Thursday, April 28, 2005

Naked


What the hell? I woke up and it was still dark, I panicked believing I had slept through another day. Scrambling off the bed I felt around blindly for my borrowed cell phone, the only time piece I had.

Well Goddamn, I had only been asleep for a couple of hours. With adrenaline still coursing through my body, I flopped back on the bed and fell asleep just as the sun was rising.

At 11:00 I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in weeks, and realized I needed to find something to do with my time. After about 30 minutes and no bright ideas, I got dressed and headed to the grocery store where I purchased a giant bag of peanuts, a loaf of bread and a Coke.

The 33 Geary took me to the park where I sat for nearly two hours feeding the pidgins, squirrels and any other small birds that dared to venture close enough. I watched a pair of doves cooing and flitting amongst the chaos, together. Most unexpectedly Don was in my head with his eyes closed and his breath on my lips.

I jumped up shaking off the feeling and scattering the birds, the most industrious of which followed behind me for a few feet before giving up.

It was nap time, or so I hoped. When I opened the door to the apartment the air wasn’t right—it was stale and there was too much movement. Fuck, the sound people talking filled my ears—several people talking.

I walked into the kitchen to find more than a dozen people crowded in with drinks in their hands. That wouldn’t have been so bad but smack in the middle of the group was James, he nodded at me I smiled it couldn’t get any worse.

When you’re wrong, you’re just plain wrong. Don was standing off in a corner eyeballing James and halfway scowling. He looked different, I hadn’t ever really seen him in daylight, silhouetted in front of the window, he was almost angelic. Jesus, I started to turn heel and head to my room when a familiar hand touched my arm.

James stood in front of me looking me up and down.

“Hi”

“Hi, how are you sugar?”

Ok, so maybe the sarcasm was dripping a bit from tongue. I didn’t fancy running into my one night stands no matter how much fun they were. Don walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer, he made eye contact with me when he opened it and swigged it back. Walking around me, he headed into the living room with rest of the small group.

James was still talking, but I didn’t hear him. So I smiled and excused myself, and said I would find him a few. I beelined for my room and didn’t emerge for two hours when it was time for me to leave for work. Pulling on my coat I walked as casually as possible to the front door, quickly spotting the asshole who had opened my door while I was dressing. The bastard had a lopsided grin on his face.

Next to him, a familiar bald head, with his chin dropped to his chest and a beer nearly tipping out of his hand. Ignoring the jackass I walked over to Don and nudged him with my knee.

He looked up with a goofy grin on his face.

“Walk me to work?”

He closed his eyes, still facing in my direction.

“I’m off.”

With that his head flopped back down to his chest.

“Ok?”

I made my exit quickly only to run into James standing on the stoop, smoking.

“Where have you been?”

I smiled shrugging my shoulders. “Sorry, I was so tired from work last night I fell asleep.”

“Ok, ok. Can I give you a ride to work?”

“Why not.”

The fucker tried to kiss me when I got of the car, I didn’t realize how much he had to drink. He barely missed clipping a taxi on the way here and stalled out on hill, laughing for what seemed like a lifetime before he stepped on the break to stop the car from rolling.

I snatched his keys out of the ignition when he tried to kiss me against my better judgement and called him a cab.

“You can get these here tomorrow.”

He didn’t even get mad.

“I knew you weren’t done with me.”

“Huh” I went into the Pink Pussy and found a small crowd already gathering and a band setting him. Trina, the waitress who saw me as competition was standing with a clipboard near the bar.

“You’re late.”

“Oh my.” I looked at my nonexistent watch.

“Don left me in charge.”

“I can see that.”

I gave her my rear and sauntered over to the bar where Shack was wiping down glasses with some other asshole I didn’t recognize.

“Hi gorgeous, I hear you have been doing pretty good filling in while I was gone.”

I laughed then forced myself to wink at him.

“This is my brother-in-law Mason, he is going to be helping out until I get back on my feet.”

“Ok” I shrugged it off but Shack kept talking.

“He’s worked at TGI Fridays and a couple of hotel bars but nothing like this, so be nice.”

“Ok”

I stashed my stuff under the bar and started wiping down the counter to warm up my arms.

At the end of the night Shack was long gone and Trina was still lording over the other waitresses and Mason.

She walked over to try her stuff with me.

“Get the broom from the back closet and sweep up.” She jerked her head toward the basement.

Fuck that I don't do brooms anymore. I finished wiping down the bar, and pulled my purse and jacket out from where I stashed them.

“Give it up honey.”

I walked out catching the last bus before 5:00 am.

The house was empty, the party was over apparently. Later I would find out that the participants in the mid week soirée had an annual shindig where everyone played hooky from work or suddenly got sick around noon to attend the party.

I stripped off my clothes as I walked, my bra was killing me for some reason. By the time I hit my door I only had my underwear on. Closing the door, I flopped down and shrieked when I found it was already occupied. My attempt to spring back up was thwarted when a hand covered my bare breast along with a jean clad leg the pulled me closer.

I turned my head to look at the intruder, who mumbled something and snuggled deeper into my flesh.

“Don!” Fuck, I hadn’t meant to say that so loud.

I jumped from the bed hitting the floor hard. I saw Don pop up suddenly wide awake.

I laid perfectly still on the floor hoping he would just pass back out. He didn’t, instead he turned on the light and looked over the side of the bed where I was laying in my underwear. I didn’t even bother to try to and cover up, what’s one more person who has seen me naked?

He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes again, they grew slightly larger.

I did the only thing I could… I waved.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Mothers and Fathers

Sometimes depression just creeps up on you, days, weeks and months go by before you realize it. That was never the case with me, it always hits me like an Acme anvil. I was standing in the shower crying, I had dry heaved in the shower for nearly 10 minutes before I could make the spasms stop.

I felt like a Goddamn pussy, fuck being a girl—it wasn’t an excuse in my book. I hugged myself and let the hot water run over me. I had taken some Xanax I found in the medicine cabinet so I was finally starting to calm down. Despite the warm water, goose bumps covered my body, and it wasn’t because of a warm fuzzy feeling.

I thought about the past few weeks, I thought about going back to Wyoming and coming clean—I thought about my mother. The salt from my tears left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Fuck this shit.”

Turning off the water, I grabbed my towel and stepped from the shower I put my hair in a Barbara Eden, dolled up my face and threw on comfortable jeans and low cut tank, a vintage Yves Saint Laurent jacket and skinny scarf and I was off to grab dinner then head to the Pink Pussy.

Earlier I had listened to Don’s messages.

“Savannah, call me when you get this.”

“Savannah, this is Don, where are you?”

“Savannah, call me early if you can’t make it tomorrow.”

I stopped at a fancy sandwich shop and got turkey on wheat with extra spouts, plain potato chips and a ginger beer. I ate it as I walked juggling the sandwich and potato chips in one hand and the soda in the other. I chewed with purpose, and walked into the bar nearly an hour before my shift started.

Don stood behind the bar, a lowball glass in his hand. He never took his took his eyes off of me as he filled his glass with Wild Turkey. He knocked it back then spread his arms along the bar on each side.

“Glad to see you could make it.”

Seven hours later I found myself sitting on a tablecloth behind the bar with a Fat Tire in my hand. Before me on a tray was an assortment of deli foods, cold fried chicken, potato salad and bread. I listened as Don said goodnight to one of the waitresses, I keened my ears waiting for him to return.

It was Monday and the bar slowed down around 12:00, it was dead 2:00. The time was 2:30. An hour ago, Don asked me if I was hungry, when I said yes he disappeared and returned with the food now sitting in front of me.

I had stupidly thought he had invited everyone so I agreed to this late night meal. I knew I was in trouble when I heard him slide the gate down and lock the door.

“Shit”

I took another swig of beer and waited. Don returned and in an effortless move sat cross legged in front of me. He held out another beer to me and popped the top of one for himself.

“What’s going on?” I heard myself ask.

Fuck what the hell was I thinking.

Don, put the bottle to his lips then spoke. “My Father died this morning.”

“I’m sorry.”

Suddenly I was seven again holding my mothers hand as she smoked a cigarette outside of the hospital.

“Your Daddy died to today, so we can’t see him—ever." She took a drag off her cigarette.

“Ever again.” I still remembered how she flared her nostrils, then set out through the parking lot with determination dragging me behind her.

Shit, I didn’t know what the fuck to do for Don.

He stared at me as he drank his beer. I put mine down.

“Where’d you go?”

I blinked picking up a piece of salami, then I recounted how my father was taken to the emergency room with bleeding varices and died shortly after telling me that I was his baby and that he loved me.

I still remember the blood staining his mouth. My mother had led a clean life up until that point but at the moment of my fathers death I think she decided that it was best if she went with him, something she was still trying to accomplish.

Don looked at me, not with sympathy or pity, he just looked at me.

Fuck

I pushed up on my knuckles and leaned across our picnic and kissed him gently on the mouth. When I pulled back he was just opening his eyes.

“Good night, thank you for dinner.”

Don watched me stand up, the followed suite.

“I hated my father, he beat the hell out of me and my brother, this was a celebration.”

I smiled. “Good for you.”

Scooping up my belongings I hit the street after Don opened the door for me. I sucked in a breath as the damnable wet fog found me and clung to me. I wrapped my jacket tighter and hopped on the number No. 6 to head home.

The apartment was quiet, and I was thankful. I sat on the couch for an hour fighting sleep knowing that whatever I would find in my dreams wouldn’t be good tonight.

When I was finally ready I washed up and climbed into my sheets—sheets that someone other than me had washed. I should buy something nice for Jane.

I dreamed of my mother.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Jerked Chicken and a Monday Gone

I found myself in Reggae bar in the Haight. Some Rastafarian had offered me some of his very pungent green bud and I had taken him up on it. In a back alley I had inhaled the cool smoke slowly through the bong, savoring the sweet flavor. Not like that Mexican brown shit I had in Sacramento, a couple of hits and I damn near forgot my name.

Sitting at the bar now I savored a Red Stripe and sucked the salt off of the pretzels sitting infront of me. I needed to eat. Rising from my stool, ok more like sliding I started to head for the door.

“Eh where you going girl?”

“I need food.”

“We got food, sit your arse back down.”

I obeyed, a little to out of it not to sit back down. The bar was closed, had been for a at least an hour. I was one of two females in the bar, my competition was around 50 and her hair in a colorful wrap. She sat in a booth with two men playing dominos and laughing heartily.

A plate of food was set before me and I dug in, the munchies had taken their grip I had a mouthful of hot banana and black beans and it tasted damn good but weeks of not eating right left me full after a couple of bites of jerked chicken and rice. I looked at my plate guilty.

“Can I have a box?”

“Girl you can’t even get two bites intoya, how’d expect to eva grow an ass.”

I turned to find the head wrap woman standing behind me. I took another bite.
She laughed and shook her head. While still looking at me she raised her arm and signaled my friend who persuaded me not to leave. He brought me some plastic gladware and a plastic bag. I dutifully scraped my food into the container and put it into the bag. Knowing the next time it would see the light of day would be in landfill somewhere.

“Thank you.”

With her hands on her hips the woman looked me up and down.

“My names Nadia.”

“Savannah”

We shook hands as she showed me to the door.

“You need to come back and let me read you sometime.”

“Read me?”

“Nevermind child, you just come back.”

With that she shoved me out of the door a single yellow cab sat in front of the bar, I looked around suspiciously. I climbed in and gave directions to my apartment, as we neared I caught site of something I couldn’t quite believe. The sun, it was barely cresting over a distant hill.

Jesus, how the fuck long had I been in that place?

I tripped into the apartment after fumbling with the door for nearly 5 minutes. I hummed my way to my room stripped off my clothes and climbed into my bed. I had forgotten the damn food in the cab.

1:28 PM

I woke up sideways on the bed again. Before I opened my eyes I thought something had woken me a slow “swoosh”. I cracked one eye and found Priscilla pulling open my Goddamn dresser drawer.

My adrenaline immediately kicked up, and I jumped of the bed snatching her hair again in what I am sure was a painful ball.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

I yelled for Jane. She appeared in the doorway before I realized that something was not right. It was Monday.

“Answer me what the fuck are you doing?”

Rather than fighting Priscilla had frozen, taking the abuse.

Jane reached out her hand trying to subdue me.

“Now, now…calm down, just wait here.”

I threw Priscilla against the wall, she tripped lamely.

“Did you fucking set me up?” I was calm now, so calm I was scaring myself.
Whatever I looked like to them it must be frightening they were both staring at me wide eyed.

We were just trying to see what you took.

“What the fuck, are you my mother, I didn’t get home until 5:30 this morning, I’m was tired.”

Jane put her hands out, “5:30 yesterday, you got home at 5:30 yesterday.”

“What?”

I heard myself nearly shriek.

Priscilla rubbing the back of her head spoke, “you have been out cold—you sleep walked into the bathroom last night and we haven’t scene you since.”

“Shit”

“What did you take?”

“Mary Jane and Jerked Chicken.”

Jane looked innocent “ I have never heard of that?”

“Marijuana” I said sitting down on the bed.

Jane frowned, “no I mean jerked chicken, is that a designer drug?”

Priscilla frowned. “I think she means she ate jerked chicken.”

“Someone must of slipped me something.”

“I’m sorry about pulling your hair…again.”

Around the same time of my apology I realized I was wearing a pair of panties and nothing more.

“Fuck, thanks for your concern.”

I laid back on the bed trying to figure out what I was going to tell Don.

Priscilla walked out of the room and Jane followed, before she closed the door she paused.

“I called in for you last night, I told Don you had a high fever and looked like hell so I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Thanks”

I dug out the phone I had been given, I had three missed calls.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Breathe

I can’t take this shit. I felt like my heart was going to fucking explode in my Goddamn chest. I had to get out, get high and get lost. The pressure in my chest was spinning and growing bigger by the second, I made it to the bathroom before I vomited.

I hadn’t bothered to close the door. The wife’s pregnant belly had prevented her from getting up too quickly. To her credit, she didn’t call for James—she stood in the doorway asking if I needed anything. Patient and understanding.

“No”

I thought about it, an empty stomach and beer didn’t make for a pretty combination coming up. I stood up wiping my mouth.

“Do you have any gum?”

She walked away for a minute and returned with a new toothbrush and a used tube of toothpaste.

“I didn’t mean to pry.”

She left me alone for the rest of the afternoon, but it didn’t help. Every time James touched the small of my back, my skin crawled. He wasn’t repulsive but it was if he was trying make sure the loving couple knew I was his.

What the fuck happened to my good time party boy with the sly smile. Suddenly in the car I was angry and having nowhere to direct my anger I pointed it at him.

“What the fuck was that about?”

He didn’t flinch.

“Look Dahlin, Melissa and Sam are my two best friends in the world, but every since they got hitched and got pregnant they want me to find the same—no offense but there is still to much fun to be had in this world.”

“I had a great time with you and you saved my ass—but I don’t see it happening again.”

Every ounce of stress drained from my body, I damn near sighed.

“Thank the Lord.”

“What?” he asked looking at me frowning.

I started laughing.

“Did you think I was looking for more than a good time?’

He was still speechless by the time he dropped me off at my house.

I winked at him and walked in to find Jane making out with her ex girlfriend.

They immediately stopped Jane beamed at me, blushing.

“Savannah, this is Priscilla.”

I raised my eyebrow, “sorry for pulling your hair.”

Her smirk suddenly turned into a snarl. I smiled bigger.

“Is that Jane’s dress.”

“Yes, and I can’t wait to strip it off.”

I walked back to my room, peeled off the dress and with a degree of defiance walked butt naked to the bathroom for a shower.

I washed off the last of James' smell from the small of my back and tried to get the puke smell out of my nose. What trouble could I get into tonight?

I was still thinking about it when back in my room, just as I was sliding on my jeans a rapid buzzing sound made me jump. WTF.

Looking around I felt safe again and continued fastening my jeans. BUUUUUZZZZZ

Fuck, I followed the sound, it was coming from under my bed.

Shit—my phone. A fucking phone I didn’t want. Don had given to me as a “loner” until I got my phone service set up. He knew damn good and well that I wasn’t going to buy a phone or get service for that matter. Hell I could blow town at any given second.

It was him on the other end, he was the only person who had the number. I answered with more than a degree of sarcasm in my voice.

“This is Savannah.”

No answer, I looked at the phone it was still connected. I put it to my ear.

“Savannah”

“Yes Don.”

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

“I’m fine.” I frowned into the phone.

“Ok, I will see you tomorrow.”

He hung up without letting me respond. I had goose bumps and suddenly felt the need to get high again.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Nicotine and Ice Cream

Childhood is fucked up, but it’s only when you look back on it that you realized how really fucked up it is. I was somewhere in Oakland, it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday and I had cold, weak beer in my hand.

Shit, I even had a God damn sundress on. What the fuck was I doing? Tex had woken up full of sunshine and happiness and dragged me here to his co-workers house for a barbeque. They were outside now standing around pitiful grill, killing four Cornish game hens for the second time and burning the corn on the cob.

I was in the house with the girlfriend, wife whatever the fuck she was. I was paralyzed with the beer sweating in my clammy hand staring out the window at a man that I didn’t care for at all. A temporary diversion had turned into a big mistake.

Beyond the men admiring the food on the grill I saw the top of an ice cream truck over the fence, it turned the corner but I could still hear it’s music. I listened as it grew faint and haunting. It was stupid, but growing up my neighborhood ice-cream man always gave me popsicle, even when I didn’t have the money. No he wasn’t a fucking perv, just a sweet old man.

During the summer, I couldn’t wait for him to come ‘round and I was always sad when it turned cold. One summer, less than a week before school let out I skipped down the driveway in my holey Keds and cutoff jeans—I practically jumped through the window—the hands that caught me had dirt under the fingernails and were stained with nicotine. A toothless face grinned at me touching my arms for a little bit too long. The smell of stale cigarettes tweaked my nose as I pushed back to the ground.

“What can get for you darling?”

I shook my head no.

“Don’t be shy now.”

I turned and ran back into my house, bypassing the living room where mother was arguing with her boyfriend. I curled up on my bed mourning not seeing my friend—later I would find out he had died from a massive heart attack.

I didn’t want to be here that day, I wished I could simply disappear from Earth without anyone taking notice. Today I felt the same, a crushing sense of loss for something I could never have—I downed the beer in two gulps and reached for another. Halfway through it when I finally surfaced for air the girlfriend was staring at me with two big brown eyes on head 2 feet above a very pregnant belly.

She smiled at me, flipping a dishtowel over her shoulder.

“Do you need any help?” I stammered out what I thought was the correct thing to say.

“No” I’m done. She smiled warmly again and I shifted my feet.

Fuck this.

I turned to bolt out of the front door; I couldn’t breath in this fucking dress. It was ridiculous, it was Jane’s and I was getting the hell out of here.

A small hand encircled my bicep.

“Why don’t we sit down.” the wife smiled at me again.

I downed the rest of the beer, she brought me another.

I made quick work of it.

“So, what’s your story?”

“I don’t have a story.” I frowned.

“Everyone has a story.” She leaned her head against the couch and played with her hair.

When I didn’t answer she continued.

“James has never brought anyone over, we have known him for three years.”

As if on cue, I heard him laugh.

I felt sick.