Monday, November 10, 2008

I am whore.

I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me, but James was like a drug. No matter how much I tried to focus on Don, who I loved, adored and cherished, my babies father was drawing me in like crack.  

Two weeks after Jane and Pricilla's bundle of joy was born into Lesbian bliss I had broken down and confessed to Priscilla.  I knew she would understand, she was more like me than Jane ever was. 

Priscilla was from a broken home, grew up poor and preferred fighting to making love.  When I started crying she had pulled me in by the back of my neck and kissed me. "Babe, those men are going to kill you."  I couldn't help but laugh... she was still trying to recruit me.

I took some solace, lying next to her in bed with her baby girl.  Dylan was with his James, James...I couldn't stand to call him "biological" as if what we had done was nothing more than an experiment.

I could taste him, on my lips every time I kissed Dylan, smell him.  I fought it but suddenly I wasn’t sure how much longer I could resist him.  He didn’t even want me, he had walked away from me after that first and only time.  Shit.

I was drifting off, Pricilla was breast feeding and my phone rang.  A picture of James that I had used as is ID photo made me laugh, he was picking his nose.  I never meant it to warm my heart, I had been looking at that picture for months it wasn’t any funnier but I was excited that he was calling.

“Hey baby, I need to drop Dylan off early.”

“OK”  My heart skipped a beat, Don was at the bar already.

“I have a date.”  I could damn near hear him smiling. 

“What the fuck?” Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

 Savannah?” James sounded completely confused.

 “Oh, sorry…I was watching something on TV” God I was an idiot to think I was anything more than somewhere to bury his misery.

I told Pricilla to stay put.  Put my coat on and hit the street searching for a cab.  

My chest ached, I needed a drink.

 



Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Friends and Family


It was no secret that I was crap at the family and friends deal. I was defensive, overly sensitive and had a way of letting insults fly out of my mouth. The older Dylan got the more I started to return to being my old self. Part of me was already afraid of the kid leaving me—then I would think of my mother and knew that letting him go would be the best thing I could do for both of us when the time came.

Winter had come to San Francisco, the miserable bone cold rain, the fog and the smell of mold in any building over fifty years old…including our little Chateau. Don had found it first, some scary Chupacabra shit that was growing behind the toilet of the guest bathroom. It was the color of human flesh and reached out like tendrils daring you to sit on the crapper.

Don had the cleaning service scrub the offending wall only to find that hours later it was back. Now he was shaking his head while environmental inspectors ticked a list off of what would need to be done to the house. Meanwhile, thanks to the location and age of the house a San Francisco Historical Preservation Society Matron, was standing buy saying what could and couldn’t be done to the molding and wainscoting.

The cleanup was going to cost him a small fortune and we were suddenly homeless. After four days in an overpriced hotel, the kid who spent a good deal of life in poverty came out in me and we moved in with Pricilla and Jane. It didn’t last long, especially since Priscilla was about to pop and kill someone.

Finally a friend of Don’s had suggested we stay in his loft while he was in Belize or somewhere else I had never heard of. The loft was a maze of childhood treachery, spiral staircase, hard metal and cement edges. I refused to go up the stairs with Dylan and ended up buying a folding bed to sleep on in the living room. It was miserable so when Jane invited us to a Barbeque in Dublin I couldn’t refuse, I had to get out of Bachelor hell anywhere I could and being able to take the baby was a bonus.

It was time to eat my words or thoughts as they were, Dylan was gurgling and happy on Don’s lap while I stared at people that I thought that Jane would never associate with. They were preppy, lived in condo on a golf course and talked about golfing and tennis like it was a required social skill.

I tired to focus on the glass of wine in my hand while Jane sat holding Pricilla’s hand in a death grip and smiling. Both women were dressed in wrap dresses, tights and boots. My lip curled at their treachery.

“So you own a bar?”

Jane’s father looked at Don who smiled back at him.

“Yes.”

“What’s it called again?”
“The Pink Puss-E” Priscilla bit out through clenched teeth.

I turned and looked at her my face obscured by the wine glass and mouthed.

“You bitch” and took a sip of wine.

Priscilla’s lip curled into a smile. Just this morning she had assured me that this was a casual get together. Little did I know it was the first time Jane’s parents were being introduced to Jane’s girlfriend and the mother of her child.

The doorbell rang and everyone let out a collective sigh at the distraction, until I saw who the distraction was. James walked in looking gaunt, I looked down suddenly conflicted not because of the awkward explanation of his relation to the little group but because my heart leapt when I saw him. Dylan pumped his legs harder in excitement at his fathers’ deep drawl.

I chided myself…”he is the father of your child you are always going to be emotional about him…get a grip” I said the last out loud and didn’t mean to.

Jane caught my distress and rose. “Savannah why don’t’ you help me in the kitchen.”

In the kitchen Jane turned on me “Do you love him.”

“Yes” I blurted it out before I thought about it.

“Wait, who?” Jane smiled “James” she said as she started popping raspberry and brie hors devours on a baking sheet.

“Oh” I shook my head like I needed to clear it, even though I knew exactly who she was referring to.

“Of course I do, he is the father of my child.” I thought it sounded good and apparently Jane did to because she smiled. “I am sorry I tricked you.” She kissed me on the cheek then donned and oven mitt and popped the tray into the oven.

Jane made herself another Mojito and headed back into the fray, I wasn’t sure this party could get any worse. Apparently a few other close friends were invited to show up but had politely declined.

When the doorbell rang again I prayed that it was the police saying that we needed to evacuate. Instead I heard the dulcet tone of Raymond, a transplant from West Africa, via England. His accent had picked up the indigenous harmonies of his parents home and the posh sounds of British aristocrats.

His mother was a personal assistant to a wealthy textile tycoon and Raymond had spent his days surrounded by children with the plumiest of accents at the best schools. In London he was a well known footballer at one point. In San Francisco, he was gay interior designer and Jane’s boss.

I took a deep breath and walked out to greet the new guest and walked smack into James. I forced a smile.

“How are you doing? You look thin.”

“I am doing good, it was nice to be with the family.”

“Was it?” James smiled a little mournfully.

“I like your sister tremendously.” My smile was genuine as I relaxed a little.

“She spoke highly of you as well and is already planning on Dylan spending his vacations from school in New Orleans.” I frowned.

“Maybe in High School” James laughed and I took the opportunity to scoot past him.

Pricilla was holding Dylan looking at him like he was going to explode. Dylan was slobbering all over her and laughing about it.

It took me a second to notice that both Jane and Don were missing, while Raymond chatted freely with the rents’ my instinct told me not to go looking for them so I sat down.

Was this it? I thought to myself as I looked around the room.Married, with a baby from a former lover and Lesbians as my best friends?

I knew I was nuts every time I got the feeling to run away from it all. To go back to taking whatever drug I could get my hands on and cheap booze, I was lucky I wasn’t in a ditch. Even still I couldn’t help but feel that there was a part of me who didn’t want to be happy because that little part of me knew that I would be broken if anything happened to my family.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Times Up!

James was staying in New Orleans. Part of me was glad that he would be gone and the other part of me wanted to plead with him not to ditch his son while he got his head together. Don and I were actually discussing moving here, I wanted to buy a small B&B and run it and then the Nugget could stay with me all of the time. We both decided to wait until things were a little less emotional to make a decision, plus there was the small fact that I couldn’t cook and didn’t know anything about lavender scented sheets and the niceties that went along with running a B&B.

Charlie and I had said our goodbyes yesterday. He promised to come visit and I promised the same. I shook of the feeling that I would never see him again. The last time I felt that way was when I was twelve. My grandmother had been in the hospital, I had to go back to school and she had asked me to filch some more Jello for her. She thanked me, kissed me and said “bye suga”. Something made me turn and look and she was looking right back at me her eyes soft over her Jello but it was like she was telling me that this was the last time and she urged me to keep going without opening her mouth. She slipped into a coma the next day and never regained consciousness.

Don knew what I was thinking and assured me we would be back and everything would be ok.

Back in San Francisco

When we touched down I don’t know what came over me. It was like an umbilical was tethered to me it had enough room in the plan but know it was tight, it was yanking me back. I hesitated at the curb, as Don loaded our bags into a Super Shuttle Van. Don urged me forward. I fished my cell phone out to call Charlie then chided myself. I dialed James instead.

“Come back to me.” was all he said when he answered. “Glad to hear you are ok.” I hung the phone up quickly, closed my eyes and imagined the umbilical snapping free from my belly and dissolving. I sighed with relief and climbed into the van.

“I think I am going to go to work tonight.” Don just smiled at me. “You can’t sit still for a minute can you? You have been on a plane for five hours.” I leaned over and kissed, Dylan chuckled making us both laugh.
Later that night.

At the Pink Pussy my skin tingled with excitement, I loved being at the Bar. I was dolled up in black custom made bustier with a red flower tucked in the back of ponytail. I had defiantly been hanging out in this place too long I was actually itching to get a tattoo. A portrait of Dylan.

I was lost in the thought when a blonde frat boy sidled up to the bar. Or at least I thought that is what he was. When he made direct eye contact with me unwavering and asked for an AMF I thought again. He was in his thirties, dressed preppy casual… drug dealer? As long as he wasn’t making deals in the bar, I really didn’t care. Two years ago I would have been buying from him.

“Are you Savannah?” My skin went from tingling to crawling. My back was to him when he asked the question. Fucking process server? I turned back to him “Yes”. I slid the drink across to him and laid my tits on the bar crossing my arms in front of me in a relaxed position. “What can I do for you?” He raised an eyebrow. “Wow, well that is a loaded question.” He extended his hand. “My name is Guy?” I shook it. “I know, I know, it’s cheesy.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.” I was still waiting for what the hell he wanted.

He must have heard my thoughts and answered. “Nothing, my friend just told me I should check you out the next time I was in town.”

“I see and your friend is?” Guy drank a generous gulp of his AMF.

“No one, just another “Guy” to you but he thought you were hot enough that I should make the trip”

Guy through a ten dollar tip on the table, “It was worth it", he looked me in the eye then at my breasts and turned and walked away.

For a minute my head swelled. “I’m famous”

“What?” Don had snuck up behind me again.

I chuckled as I made another Cock Sucker for the birthday boy at the end of the bar.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Bleeding Heart

It was nearly four and the morning, Charlie and I just couldn’t seem to talk enough. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him. Years of constantly moving around had taught me to compartmentalize my feelings, and Charlie was no exception. I think the day I left the city, I tucked him away for safe keeping but it was all coming back.
“Should we wait for the sun?” Charlie smiled it me and took another sip of club soda that had probably lost its fizz hours ago. I looked out into the darkness, New Orleans was never quiet. Right now deliveries were being made, cats were mewling to be let in out of the predawn cold and somewhere in the distance the Café Du Monde was greeting the first new customers of the day, the people who actually went to sleep last night.
“Eh let’s go to the café Charlie.” I did my best imitation of a Cajun accent. He smiled and stood up. I had temporarily moved Charlie into the second bedroom of our suite; I didn’t want to loose sight of him at the moment.
When I entered the bedroom I knew that Don was awake, I could feel it. It was like static electricity over my skin. I sat down next to him and leaned over him, kissing him twice. I don’t know what came over me, I started crying. Don wiped my eyes.
“I know, I love you too.” I kissed him again and sucked up my tears.
“Charlie and I are going to Café Du Monde, can I bring you anything?”
I ate enough beneigts to last a lifetime but I still wasn’t full. The city flowed through me as I sat across from Charlie in silence. It was easier to leave after connecting with Charlie. Charlie’s eyebrows rose as I took several deep breaths.
“Troubled?” Charlie bit into a fresh pastry.
“I am worried about James, he isn’t a happy man and weather he agrees with me or not his son can sense it.” I sipped my coffee.
“What happened between you anyway?” I smiled over my coffee cup.
Charlie held his hands up. “Do I want to know?” I laughed.
“James and I met shortly after I landed in San Francisco, we hooked up, that should have been the end of the story but instead we had a baby?”
“Good time gone wrong?” I thought about it.
“Not at all, I don’t think I would be married if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he completely changed my life.”
“The baby or James.” I smiled at the question.
“Both, I suppose.”
Charlie twirled a plastic stirrer in his hand. “The man’s mother just died, give him some time.”
“He wasn’t happy before that Charlie, he had a uptight woman in his life that seemed to bring him about as much joy as a pillow over his face. He keeps trying to make moves on me.”
Charlie looked at me with a question.
“No, I haven’t accepted them; I love Don…too much I think.”
Charlie looked at me “I know what you mean.”