Well God Damn

His smell filled my nose and worked its way into my lungs. His lips were firm, cool to the touch—his hands, icy made me shiver as they traced a path over my ribs. He took my heat, lapping it from my tongue. This was damn good. I didn’t feel the hard bricks behind my back. Only a whisper of shock escaped when he hooked his fingers into my panties.

“Mammuh” He was pulling away.

“Mammuh” A little hand patted forearm slapping it lightly.

I opened my eyes, Dylan was smiling back at me eating zwieback cookie and drooling profusely in the process. James was standing over me smiling.

“You look so innocent when you sleep.” I frowned.

Bastard, James was a part of my problem. I realized I felt a little woozy and put my head back down on the couch thinking it would pass. James face changed to concern and he picked up Dylan, and placed his hand on my forehead.

“You’re hot”

“Thank you.” I cracked a smile and realized my entire face hurt. I frowned rolling over yawning.

“I thought you had Dylan until tomorrow.” I waved at him, goofy as hell with the exact same look on his face as his Dad. I put my hand to face; the palm of my hand was shockingly cold and made me remember my dream. I smiled again.

“I think you need to go to the Hospital” James had serious look of concern on his face.

“Who needs to go the hospital?” Don walked in with a bag full of groceries from Trader Joes.

James didn’t even bother to back away from me to let Don get closer.

“I don’t need to go the hospital.” I closed my eyes and was sucked back into my dream.

I smiled in the dream as he approached me again kissing me. I moaned, and was promptly slapped on the cheek.

“What the fuck!” I sat up so fast it scared Dylan and he gave me a dirty look like he was the one who got slapped.

Don was sitting over me now. “You’re delirious.”

“Pssht” I laid back down, now where was I?

I hated being carried more than anything. I wasn’t a Goddamn baby. But here I was being cradled by husband who was I am pretty sure…shorter than me. He seat belted me into the car then put an icepack on the back of my neck.

What the fuck, I pulled it off and vaguely noticed that James was buckling Dylan into his car seat and climbing in next to him.

“If I am so sick do you really think you should have the baby around me?” Why was I so dizzy? And nauseas? Oh shit what if I was pregnant again, that would be some shit.

We pulled up to the hospital and I couldn’t be bothered to get out of the car, Don yanked the door open and tried to make get into a wheel chair.

“I’ll walk”

Stumble more like it. Why the hell was everyone staring at me?

“Maybe because you look like a damn drunk?” I opened my eyes. What the hell? I was laying in hospital bed covered in a damn freezing contraption that I suppose was supposed to bring my temperature down.

Don was sitting next to me, James and Dylan were nowhere in site.

“What happened?” I pulled an oxygen mask off.

“You took two steps out of the car and passed out, nearly hitting your head. You had 103 temperature.”

“I don’t get fevers” I shook my head

“How do you feel now?” Don was being very clinical.

“Cold, tired.” Don nodded.

“They are going to keep you for awhile, they don’t know what you have it might just be a virus, they are running some tests but they want your fever to be below 100.”

I looked at the IV in my arm.

“I slept through all of this?”

Don nodded.

He was mad; I could tell his lip was tight and slightly pushed out. He took his glasses off to rub the bridge of his nose.

I felt a pang in my chest, he was so handsome, it was like when he took his glasses of he wasn’t Clark Kent anymore. He wasn’t any taller, stronger or richer but he was mine. He was the man that only I got to see.

I reached out and took his hand, I could barely reach it. He encircled my wrist before he looked up at me. He stood up, kissed me then turned at walked out of the hospital room.

Panic shot through my body and I started sobbing. I tried to tell myself I was jumping to far ahead, but I knew something had changed within him.

Window Shopping

Darren sidled in the bar that night looking much more like I was used to. He smiled at me and walked up to the bar. “What is your goal?”

I frowned at him, he was using his professor voice and I didn’t really like it. He caught on quickly and changed his tone. “What the hell are doing in college?”

I pretended the bar still needed to be wiped down—I could see his face soften. Here we go… “You are shy; I would have never guessed that about you.” Since getting married and becoming a mother I have pretty much arrived at the conclusion that I have multiple personality disorder—they are just all high functioning and aware of each other. I needed my hard face.

“You are on my turf, I don’t disrespect you in yours, don’t do it in mine—what are drinking?”

“And the wall goes up, a Newbie.” He was genuinely disappointed that I wasn’t going to let him in my head. I slammed the beer down a little too hard and, Darren grabbed my hand and kissed my palm—it completely unnerved me. So much so that when I saw Shack walking through the door I breathed a sigh of relief. I walked from behind the bar as fast as I could.

In the office I locked the door behind me; Don didn’t even look up from what he was doing. I walked over and straddled him kissing him on the mouth, he didn’t miss a beat and kissed me back gripping my ass and nibbling my lip. I hugged him hard. It wasn’t what I wanted, what I really wanted was to get high so I could cope with that shit Darren just laid on me.

I didn’t want to be a window shopper but I was, the curling of excitement in my belly told me that I was fucked. I told myself to focus on the jewel that I had in my arms, a gift that I was never going to be given again. I systematically and intellectual forced Darren out of my head, I had known him for over a year—he was a recreational drug user (like I was any better), he made out with random women in the bar, his pissed on the sides of buildings, having a Ph.D didn’t change any of that.

My palm burned. “I am going home.” I stood up.

Don knew something was wrong but to his credit he didn’t ask.

First Day

What the fuck was I doing here? You have to be kidding me, I was too damn old for this shit. My first thought was that I was going to have to start stocking up on weed to keep me from flipping out of my skull.

I was in goddamn classroom with my legs shoved under a desk with a bunch 18 year olds staring at me. This wasn’t going to work. I thought I would blend, in a lightweight sweater and faded jeans I was trying not to look like a mommy or a wife for that matter—just a girl except I wasn’t a fucking girl I was a woman.

“Hi” I turned to the young man sitting next to me who spoke. Nicely dressed early twenties I bet he was a jack and coke guy.

“Hi” I bit the “I” out. If was I was behind the bar, this conversation would go whole lot smoother. I tried to smile and felt my lip stick to my upper teeth. He bought it though because he beamed back at me like he had just scaled Mount Everest.

I turned my attention back to the front of the class and tried to look comfortable. The class had become so full that they were students left standing looking perturbed. Finally a man entered wearing khakis and a long sleeve dress shirt with one of those horrible jackets with the patches on the elbow.

He looked familiar.

“I am Professor Anderson; this is English 1A if you aren’t in the right class please leave.”

He still hadn’t looked at the class I chuckled wondering who could be stupid enough to be in the wrong class. When several people filed out of the class I stopped laughing. The professor's eyes widen when I laughed and he turned to me.

Fuck—D-Boy was a damn professor? Holy shit I had it in the bag. Darren Anderson (never knew his last name) was one our bar flies. He was covering up nearly full sleeves with that shirt. A quick count in my head I had kicked him out of the bar at least nine times for popping something illegal in his mouth.

This was going to be fun. I had a shit eating grin on my face and winked at the Jack and Coke kid. Bring it on!

Just a little Bombay.

Pricilla and Jane agreed to keep Dylan for an hour while I buried my misery in glass. I ordered Bombay on the rocks and after my first sip the vision of my baby smiling at me stopped me from knocking it back and ordering another.

I drank willing the tension leave my body; I counted in my head 100, sip, 200 sip. I would swear I had a demon if I believed in that kind of thing. A demon that wanted me to hit the road, the only problem was in my vision there was no Dylan. I wiped away a tear before the bartender could notice.

My misery was nothing more than boredom; this life was not what I had envisioned. I think my dreams died with my father and my only goal was to have fun. Shit, was I actually thinking about this?

Early the next morning:

“I need to go back to school”

Don stiffened in the bed next to me.

“What?” he reached over turning on the light and put his glasses on.

“I need to do something with my life, set an example for Dylan.”

“OK, what do you want to do?”

“I have no idea” I giggled, it was nerves more than anything.

I just needed a distraction.

I am whore.

I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me, but James was like a drug. No matter how much I tried to focus on Don, who I loved, adored and cherished, my babies father was drawing me in like crack.  

Two weeks after Jane and Pricilla's bundle of joy was born into Lesbian bliss I had broken down and confessed to Priscilla.  I knew she would understand, she was more like me than Jane ever was. 

Priscilla was from a broken home, grew up poor and preferred fighting to making love.  When I started crying she had pulled me in by the back of my neck and kissed me. "Babe, those men are going to kill you."  I couldn't help but laugh... she was still trying to recruit me.

I took some solace, lying next to her in bed with her baby girl.  Dylan was with his James, James...I couldn't stand to call him "biological" as if what we had done was nothing more than an experiment.

I could taste him, on my lips every time I kissed Dylan, smell him.  I fought it but suddenly I wasn’t sure how much longer I could resist him.  He didn’t even want me, he had walked away from me after that first and only time.  Shit.

I was drifting off, Pricilla was breast feeding and my phone rang.  A picture of James that I had used as is ID photo made me laugh, he was picking his nose.  I never meant it to warm my heart, I had been looking at that picture for months it wasn’t any funnier but I was excited that he was calling.

“Hey baby, I need to drop Dylan off early.”

“OK”  My heart skipped a beat, Don was at the bar already.

“I have a date.”  I could damn near hear him smiling. 

“What the fuck?” Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

 “Savannah?” James sounded completely confused.

 “Oh, sorry…I was watching something on TV” God I was an idiot to think I was anything more than somewhere to bury his misery.

I told Pricilla to stay put.  Put my coat on and hit the street searching for a cab.  

My chest ached, I needed a drink.

 

Friends and Family

It was no secret that I was crap at the family and friends deal. I was defensive, overly sensitive and had a way of letting insults fly out of my mouth. The older Dylan got the more I started to return to being my old self. Part of me was already afraid of the kid leaving me—then I would think of my mother and knew that letting him go would be the best thing I could do for both of us when the time came.

Winter had come to San Francisco, the miserable bone cold rain, the fog and the smell of mold in any building over fifty years old…including our little Chateau. Don had found it first, some scary Chupacabra shit that was growing behind the toilet of the guest bathroom. It was the color of human flesh and reached out like tendrils daring you to sit on the crapper.

Don had the cleaning service scrub the offending wall only to find that hours later it was back. Now he was shaking his head while environmental inspectors ticked a list off of what would need to be done to the house. Meanwhile, thanks to the location and age of the house a San Francisco Historical Preservation Society Matron, was standing buy saying what could and couldn’t be done to the molding and wainscoting.

The cleanup was going to cost him a small fortune and we were suddenly homeless. After four days in an overpriced hotel, the kid who spent a good deal of life in poverty came out in me and we moved in with Pricilla and Jane. It didn’t last long, especially since Priscilla was about to pop and kill someone.

Finally a friend of Don’s had suggested we stay in his loft while he was in Belize or somewhere else I had never heard of. The loft was a maze of childhood treachery, spiral staircase, hard metal and cement edges. I refused to go up the stairs with Dylan and ended up buying a folding bed to sleep on in the living room. It was miserable so when Jane invited us to a Barbeque in Dublin I couldn’t refuse, I had to get out of Bachelor hell anywhere I could and being able to take the baby was a bonus.

It was time to eat my words or thoughts as they were, Dylan was gurgling and happy on Don’s lap while I stared at people that I thought that Jane would never associate with. They were preppy, lived in condo on a golf course and talked about golfing and tennis like it was a required social skill.

I tired to focus on the glass of wine in my hand while Jane sat holding Pricilla’s hand in a death grip and smiling. Both women were dressed in wrap dresses, tights and boots. My lip curled at their treachery.

“So you own a bar?”

Jane’s father looked at Don who smiled back at him.

“Yes.”

“What’s it called again?”
“The Pink Puss-E” Priscilla bit out through clenched teeth.

I turned and looked at her my face obscured by the wine glass and mouthed.

“You bitch” and took a sip of wine.

Priscilla’s lip curled into a smile. Just this morning she had assured me that this was a casual get together. Little did I know it was the first time Jane’s parents were being introduced to Jane’s girlfriend and the mother of her child.

The doorbell rang and everyone let out a collective sigh at the distraction, until I saw who the distraction was. James walked in looking gaunt, I looked down suddenly conflicted not because of the awkward explanation of his relation to the little group but because my heart leapt when I saw him. Dylan pumped his legs harder in excitement at his fathers’ deep drawl.

I chided myself…”he is the father of your child you are always going to be emotional about him…get a grip” I said the last out loud and didn’t mean to.

Jane caught my distress and rose. “Savannah why don’t’ you help me in the kitchen.”

In the kitchen Jane turned on me “Do you love him.”

“Yes” I blurted it out before I thought about it.

“Wait, who?” Jane smiled “James” she said as she started popping raspberry and brie hors devours on a baking sheet.

“Oh” I shook my head like I needed to clear it, even though I knew exactly who she was referring to.

“Of course I do, he is the father of my child.” I thought it sounded good and apparently Jane did to because she smiled. “I am sorry I tricked you.” She kissed me on the cheek then donned and oven mitt and popped the tray into the oven.

Jane made herself another Mojito and headed back into the fray, I wasn’t sure this party could get any worse. Apparently a few other close friends were invited to show up but had politely declined.

When the doorbell rang again I prayed that it was the police saying that we needed to evacuate. Instead I heard the dulcet tone of Raymond, a transplant from West Africa, via England. His accent had picked up the indigenous harmonies of his parents home and the posh sounds of British aristocrats.

His mother was a personal assistant to a wealthy textile tycoon and Raymond had spent his days surrounded by children with the plumiest of accents at the best schools. In London he was a well known footballer at one point. In San Francisco, he was gay interior designer and Jane’s boss.

I took a deep breath and walked out to greet the new guest and walked smack into James. I forced a smile.

“How are you doing? You look thin.”

“I am doing good, it was nice to be with the family.”

“Was it?” James smiled a little mournfully.

“I like your sister tremendously.” My smile was genuine as I relaxed a little.

“She spoke highly of you as well and is already planning on Dylan spending his vacations from school in New Orleans.” I frowned.

“Maybe in High School” James laughed and I took the opportunity to scoot past him.

Pricilla was holding Dylan looking at him like he was going to explode. Dylan was slobbering all over her and laughing about it.

It took me a second to notice that both Jane and Don were missing, while Raymond chatted freely with the rents’ my instinct told me not to go looking for them so I sat down.

Was this it? I thought to myself as I looked around the room.Married, with a baby from a former lover and Lesbians as my best friends?

I knew I was nuts every time I got the feeling to run away from it all. To go back to taking whatever drug I could get my hands on and cheap booze, I was lucky I wasn’t in a ditch. Even still I couldn’t help but feel that there was a part of me who didn’t want to be happy because that little part of me knew that I would be broken if anything happened to my family.

Times Up!

James was staying in New Orleans. Part of me was glad that he would be gone and the other part of me wanted to plead with him not to ditch his son while he got his head together. Don and I were actually discussing moving here, I wanted to buy a small B&B and run it and then the Nugget could stay with me all of the time. We both decided to wait until things were a little less emotional to make a decision, plus there was the small fact that I couldn’t cook and didn’t know anything about lavender scented sheets and the niceties that went along with running a B&B.

Charlie and I had said our goodbyes yesterday. He promised to come visit and I promised the same. I shook of the feeling that I would never see him again. The last time I felt that way was when I was twelve. My grandmother had been in the hospital, I had to go back to school and she had asked me to filch some more Jello for her. She thanked me, kissed me and said “bye suga”. Something made me turn and look and she was looking right back at me her eyes soft over her Jello but it was like she was telling me that this was the last time and she urged me to keep going without opening her mouth. She slipped into a coma the next day and never regained consciousness.

Don knew what I was thinking and assured me we would be back and everything would be ok.

Back in San Francisco

When we touched down I don’t know what came over me. It was like an umbilical was tethered to me it had enough room in the plan but know it was tight, it was yanking me back. I hesitated at the curb, as Don loaded our bags into a Super Shuttle Van. Don urged me forward. I fished my cell phone out to call Charlie then chided myself. I dialed James instead.

“Come back to me.” was all he said when he answered. “Glad to hear you are ok.” I hung the phone up quickly, closed my eyes and imagined the umbilical snapping free from my belly and dissolving. I sighed with relief and climbed into the van.

“I think I am going to go to work tonight.” Don just smiled at me. “You can’t sit still for a minute can you? You have been on a plane for five hours.” I leaned over and kissed, Dylan chuckled making us both laugh.
Later that night.

At the Pink Pussy my skin tingled with excitement, I loved being at the Bar. I was dolled up in black custom made bustier with a red flower tucked in the back of ponytail. I had defiantly been hanging out in this place too long I was actually itching to get a tattoo. A portrait of Dylan.

I was lost in the thought when a blonde frat boy sidled up to the bar. Or at least I thought that is what he was. When he made direct eye contact with me unwavering and asked for an AMF I thought again. He was in his thirties, dressed preppy casual… drug dealer? As long as he wasn’t making deals in the bar, I really didn’t care. Two years ago I would have been buying from him.

“Are you Savannah?” My skin went from tingling to crawling. My back was to him when he asked the question. Fucking process server? I turned back to him “Yes”. I slid the drink across to him and laid my tits on the bar crossing my arms in front of me in a relaxed position. “What can I do for you?” He raised an eyebrow. “Wow, well that is a loaded question.” He extended his hand. “My name is Guy?” I shook it. “I know, I know, it’s cheesy.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.” I was still waiting for what the hell he wanted.

He must have heard my thoughts and answered. “Nothing, my friend just told me I should check you out the next time I was in town.”

“I see and your friend is?” Guy drank a generous gulp of his AMF.

“No one, just another “Guy” to you but he thought you were hot enough that I should make the trip”

Guy through a ten dollar tip on the table, “It was worth it", he looked me in the eye then at my breasts and turned and walked away.

For a minute my head swelled. “I’m famous”

“What?” Don had snuck up behind me again.

I chuckled as I made another Cock Sucker for the birthday boy at the end of the bar.