Take two of these and call me in the morning.

I woke up in the back of an ambulance with a oxygen mask being held over my face.

Fuck

I sat up abruptly immediately becoming dizzy. The ambulance door was still open, I tried to get of the stretcher but the EMT pushed me back down.

“Relax, you need to take a ride to the hospital to check out that noggin.”

I laid back down because there wasn’t really anything else I could do. I was dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up.

“I need to call my husband.”

“I will take care of that.” The police officer from the stairs stepped into the ambulance.

“What's his number?” He looked at his cell phone ready to dial.

He handed the phone to me after he dialed.

“Hey I was just about to call you to see how it went.” Don was calm as usual as if what I was about to tell him wouldn’t even disturb his frame of mind.

“Not so good…” I began.

I kept it brief as possible in attempt not to incriminate myself or scare Don. I told the truth, just not all of it. Like the fact that I knew why the guy was after me.

I kept struggling to sit up so the EMT raised the gurney to a more upright position. Through the door of the ambulance I could see Dotty talking to the police. I tried not to narrow my eyes. Who knows what she was telling them.

The officer stepped off of the ambulance.

“We will be in touch, feel better.”

Yah, I bet we would be in touch. As soon as he found out that the bounty hunter was trying to collar me for stabbing someone. I would be packed up and hauled back to Wyoming.

They scanned my brain at the hospital while I was butt naked with a blanket over me. I didn’t even get one of those little gowns.

By the time I was finished, an anxious husband was waiting to take me home as soon as he got the all clear. Personally I like to think that I just fainted, but the officer said I took a nasty spill and landed on the side of my head.

A hour later with an ice pack and a headache I was discharged into the care of my husband.

There was a cleaning van in the driveway as we pulled up to the house. I looked at Don wondering why he was calm enough to think about cleaning the house.

“The SFPD offered because they dusted the house for prints. I told them to send them and I would pay for it.”

Oh shit, shit.

I took my knife with me, I don’t remember touching anything in the cell and the guy never processed me. They had me for reckless driving which I already did community service for five years ago… the list continued in my head but their was no telling what I couldn’t’ account for.

The cleaning crew had left shortly after Don had put the key in the front door. They had spread out through the place in an obviously unnatural manner. Things were much cleaner than usual, you could smell it.

“Why did they fingerprint?” I tried to sound nonchalant.

“Apparently your mothers boyfriend is an ex con and has habit of escaping prosecution by claiming there was a one armed man.”

“I don’t understand, the police officer saw him trip me.”

“Yeah but he didn’t see him break into the house, they are just covering their bases.”

“I have to tell you something.”

Don stopped wiping chopping the onion he was working on sans tears which was amazing, and looked at me.

“You’re leaving me?”

“Fuck no, I have it too good.” I tried to make my response as humorous as possible.

When he didn’t look relived I closed the distance between us and took his face in my hands.

“I love you, but you are married to a wanted woman.”

He covered my hands with his own.

“What did you do?”

I stated quite simply, and for those of you who don’t remember.

“I was arrested for a drunk and disorderly, at the station I hurled on the cop who was supposed to be processing me. He threw me in a holding cell without booking me, he didn’t even have my ID. Some heifer they had pulled out the back woods from God knows where tried to shove my face into her crotch so stabbed her…”

Don was not blinking

“…in the neck.”

“Jesus” it was a good sign that he was still holding me.

“She lived Don, in the melee I stepped out of the police station and didn’t look back.”

“Jesus.”

I don’t think he was there honey.

Don went back to chopping his onion. I knew he had to process it all, James could get permanent custody easily. I could be patient, until he was ready.

I jumped when the doorbell rang a short time later.

Don looked at me and saw my dismay, he went to the door as I stood in the kitchen clutching a glass of wine.

I could hear a muffled voice ask, “Is Savannah home?”

“Shit, it was Dotty.” I had almost forgotten about her.

Before I had a chance to prepare myself she was standing before me. I started to tell her to get the hell out, before I could she held her hand up.

“Just let me say my peace, then I will leave.”

I closed my mouth then opened it again to take a sip of wine.

“I know about the baby, I just wanted to see him…it’s the only reason I came. I told the police that Ben was boyfriend and when I decided to break up with him, he went crazy.”

“Huff” I didn’t believe her or that the police would believe her.

“Look, I have caused you enough trouble.” she reached into her purse.

Here is my phone number if you decide that you need me. She handed me a piece of paper and started to leave.

“Dotty” I called out to her.

When she turned I embraced her.

“Take care.” I meant it. I also thought this would be last time I saw her until her funeral. She teared up but obediently left. Don walked her out.

Chocolate and Vodka

There is nothing that chocolate and vodka couldn’t cure. I know this because I was having a Martini and nibbling on dark chocolate pieces spiced with some exotic blend while my mother rattled on about her latest marriage.

She was thinner than I remember and looked like she would break if you didn’t use extreme caution. Dylan was with James a day early, to make this visit from mommy dearest possible. Some part of me wanted to believe my secret was safe but come on, she had to know about my kid.

James had informed me that he and Ann Marie were taking a break? WTF does that mean exactly? She had gone back home to spend some time with her family and to decide if being married to James was what she really wanted or so she said. It was clear that James thought she was bluffing, she even accused him of being in love with me. Goddamn if I didn’t see hope flicker across the bastards face when he ran that one by me. I ignored him, kissed Dylan goodbye and told them both I would see them on Sunday.

By the time Dotty had shown up I had already had one Martini finished off and I was looking forward to the second. She had gotten dressed up for the occasion, wearing what I am sure was one of her best church suits at one time. When I opened the door she immediately asked to use “the little girls room”. Jesus—that was the kind of cutesy term she would use for public consumption when I was kid.

I walked around the house sipping my Martini wondering what she was going say and when she walked out of the door this time and how long it would be before I saw her again.

Don had a catered lunch delivered. Elegant little sandwiches, deserts and tea service—foo foo shit. When she finally sauntered into the dining room she clasped her hand together in delight at the spread. I had started eating without her.

“So this is how you live these days?” She started to pull a cigarette out of her purse then thought better of it she closed her purse then cleared her throat.

“You can smoke outside if you need to.”

I took alternating bites from the olive in my drink and the cold salmon and dill sandwich which was nothing but fancy tuna salad.

“No, that’s ok baby girl”

“Mama, please don’t”

“What, you are my baby.”

I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my drink.

“What do you want Dotty?”

“Nothing baby, I haven’t seen in just about forever.” she drawled.

“Ok then how did you find me?”

She smiled, I sensed something devious behind it but she was holding it for now.

“Well my new friend that I have been seeing, he is a real P.I.”

“You used a private dick ( I emphasized dick) to find me?”

“Sure did sugar, he just put your name into his computer and there you were. On file for the world to see applying for a marriage license.”

She went for the cigarettes again and shoved them back.

“Didn’t take too much information after that.”

She was nervous, I sat up trying to read her but I couldn’t. The doorbell rang, I didn’t move her eyes flitted toward the door.

“Who the fuck is that mama?”

“It’s just Ben, I wanted you two to meet.”

I got up and walked to the door, peering out the glass. Jesus, there was no way in hell I was going to open the door.

“Honey, just let him in.” she trotted over to the door grabbing the handle I pushed her back.

“No”

“Don’t be silly” she tried again but I pushed her back.

I grabbed the waistline of her skirt pulling her back.

“Get away from the door.”

She yelled out.

“Ben, this girl has gone crazy and won’t open the door.” she laughed nervously.

It was all the invite been needed, when he used his considerable bulk to ram into the door.

Dotty screamed.

The windows would be easy work. He was no fucking PI.

I grabbed Dotty dragging her behind me I went into the office shutting the door I pushed a bookcase in front of it. I heard the windows break.

“What’s going on? Why wouldn’t you open the door?”

I picked up the phone dialing 911, I rather deal with SFPD then get dragged back to Wyoming with that fucker.

“There is a man trying to break into my house.”

I gave the address with a shaky voice that wasn’t an act. What was going to happen to Dylan?

Yes I was in imminent danger, no I didn’t have a weapon. The dispatcher just wanted to keep me on the phone.

I finally sat the phone down. He was in the house, I could hear his heavy footfalls. Dotty was crying.

“What’s going on? What’s going on?”

I turned on Dotty, my lip curled.

“You brought a fucking bounty hunter to my home! My home!”

“What?” Dotty fisted her hands together looking pitiful.

“You brought that piece of shit here to collar me.” I screamed at her. I didn’t care if he knew where I was.

I was blind, I wanted my child I didn’t want to go to jail. I opened the closet and even with my tunnel vision found a aluminum baseball bat on the top shelf. When I wrapped my fingers around the rubber grip, I felt something primal surge through my body.

I screamed and shoved the bookcase out of the way. I was going to kill him.

“What are you doing?”

Dotty was behind me trying to hold me back, I threw the door wide. The chump was standing there and had the nerve to look smug. I cracked him in the groin with the end of the bat, fucker had a cup on. Where was my knife when I needed it? I dodged him when he tried to grab my shoulders with his meat hooks.

Thwack. I cracked the bat across his knee and felt a surge of energy when I heard the satisfying pop.

“You aren’t taking me! You are taking my kid!”

I cracked his thigh, thwack. He tumbled like and dead weight, recovered then started to draw down on me.

Fuck You

Dotty was screaming and sucking on snot pleading.

I knocked the gun out of his hand sending it skittering across the floor. I raised the bat over my right shoulder, Delores Claiborne here I come.

“Stop”

The voice was not coming from the piece of shit on the ground, with the bat still raised I turned on the first landing there was a cop. A muscular Asian man with his hand on his gun but not drawn.

“Ma’am come down her with me.”

Red spots flared in my vision, I felt sick.

“You're not taking my baby”

I adjusted my grip again.

“Ma’am come down here now.”

When I stepped over the prick, he grabbed my ankle, I fell head first down the stairs. That’s the last thing I remember.

When a stranger calls.

The unexpected can be pleasant, a phone call from a friend, flowers from the person you would least expect them from, finding a twenty-dollar bill when you thought you were broke. This wasn’t pleasant, it was downright painful and I wanted it to be over.

Dylan was sleeping peacefully in his bassinet in the family room and I was settling down to watch GH (Yes it's soap and don't fucking ask), when the doorbell rang. At first, I ignored it. Despite the no solicitations sign we were bombarded by salesmen from Kirby Vacuum’s to Brinks home security systems. When it rang again I sat up straightening myself out. I looked like a mother, wearing a track suit and had my hair in one of those damn buns on the top of my head.

Two feet from the door, I had to check my anger when the doorbell rang again. I threw the it open. A woman was standing on the front steps with her head down, her hair once dyed red had faded to sickly orange color. I waved my hand in front of my face trying to disperse the swirl of cigarette smoke.

“May I help you?”

When the woman looked up, Jesus. She looked awful, deep lines creased her once beautiful face and the warm brown pools that were her eyes were milky and cold.

“Aren’t you going to hug me?”

I dutiful reached out my arms and hugged her, keeping my body as far away from as possible.

“Hi mama.”

I settled her into the living room where no one ever sat. I didn’t know if she knew anything about Dylan—if by some miracle she didn’t know I didn’t want her to find out. I brought her a glass of water, told her stay put and went to the office that was located midway up the stairs.

“Do you want me to come home?”

“No, I am going to have her leave soon.”

“Savannah she is your mother, what are you going to tell her?”

“The truth, that I am busy and I will talk to her tomorrow.”

“What are you busy doing?” I damn near giggled, I couldn’t help it. The sarcasm coming from his voice said he knew worlds about me and my frequent naps since having Dylan.

“Look Savannah, are you sure you don’t want me to come home?”

“Don, I want you to come home.” Silence. I don’t think he could have been more shocked if I had told him to mind his own damn business. I needed him, right now more than anyone or anything I needed in my life.

Dotty was smoking when I came back into the living room. The old impetuous me started making fast strokes back to the forefront of my brain. I pushed her back and walked over to Dotty removing the cigarette from her lips I put it out in the water I have given her earlier.

“This isn’t my house, please don’t smoke.”

“Huh! That’s not what I heard. I heard you got yourself a rich beau.” I smiled as sweetly as possible.

“You heard wrong.”

Then what’s all this, she stood up spinning around. When she started to the family room I started to panic—so I stopped her.

“Mother, what do you want?” I turned my back to her and walked into the dining room then the kitchen. You couldn’t see Dylan from the kitchen, I knew because I kept meaning to move his bassinet, right now I was thankful for being lazy.

Dotty followed like I wanted.

“I just wanted to see you baby.” She reached her hand up and touched my cheek I jumped away from her.

I heard the front door open and nearly burst into tears when I heard Don call out for me.

“Excuse me.” I walked to the front door. Don was calmly standing in the entryway I kissed him and folded into his arms. Dotty was standing behind me, I could feel her eyeing my husband.

“Sugar, does your husband know you are already stepping out on him?”

I turned to look at her.

“I am her husband.” Don walked over to Dotty and shook her hand and introduced himself. I prayed the Dylan was quiet for just few minutes more.

Ten minutes later saw Dotty leaving in a cab with a promise for a longer visit, Don had made my excuses then found me clutching Dylan to my chest, making the poor little guy squirm I was holding on so tight.

“That woman is not my mother.” Don gentle took Dylan and placed him back in his bassinet rubbing his tummy.

Don sat back down next tom me. “Then who is she?”

“I don’t know, but the woman who was my mother abandoned me after my father died—that was just her shell reanimated.”

Don reached out and pulled my chin toward him so I was looking him in the eyes. “That’s pretty deep Savannah.”

When I frowned at him, he smiled. I picked up the nearest pillow and hit him with it. He wrestled me down until I was pinned under him. He stared at me, brushing my hair away from my forehead.

“I’m not going to break.” I said it because I knew he was waiting.

“I know.” He kissed me.

Dear Diary, --I have just killed my husband.

Here is to the dearly departed. Don was laying partially hanging off of the sofa trying to catch is breath and holding his man bits. I did my best to stifle a laugh as I padded over to the wet bar for a bottle of water. When I returned to the couch Don’s eyes were closed as if was still lost in what occurred 3 minutes ago. I placed the frosty plastic bottle of water against his stomach just to watch his muscles contract, he still didn’t open his eyes but gestured for me to get closer to him. When I did, he pulled me in for a kiss and patted the couch next to him, I laid down next to him stretching myself along side his unusually warm body…

Four hours earlier our home was unrecognizable it was crammed with so many bodies celebrating Jane’s and Pricilla’s pending bundle of joy… Don kept asking me if I invited certain people—annoyed I finally yelled “I know five-fucking people in San Francisco—who the hell did you think I invited.” I immediately felt bad, people were setting those red plastic cups on his antiques. Hell I don’t even know where the red plastic cups came from. They weren’t here when the party started.

The caterer had set out real glassware and enough food for 50 people to have 2.5 servings, whatever the hell that meant. The house groaned with the weight of had to be close to 100 people—obviously someone had blabbed several of my regulars at the Pussy had already said hello or waved from a distance. I didn’t notice, I was too busy trying to make sure no one stole anything—Jesus what the hell I have I turned into. I took a swig of the Diet Coke I had switched to when I realized how quickly things could get out of hand—someone please call the damn cops. Don had taken the other route and was drinking more, I watched him to another shot from across the room, the short burst of elation left his face soon after the alcohol was down his throat. I thought he was going to be sick until I saw him start to scan the room, he was looking for me. I was just behind a door way peering around, not because I was trying to be sneaky but because I could see two rooms at once this way.

He didn’t panic when he didn’t see me but he looked ill. What was I doing to him? I 'm not sure I made him happy, in fact I am fairly certain I scared the shit out of him. He was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and it was starting to show, his weight was dropping. What do I do, make his fears come to fruition and bounce or do I reassure him? I wasn’t sure how to do that so I crossed the room to him and embraced him, I whispered that we needed to end the party—it was midnight and it would take at least an hour to get rid of all these people.

I knew from working in bars that it was a process. I turned the lights up just a little at first, turned the music down and slowly started to walk around cleaning up—Don, Jane and Pricilla followed my lead. By 1:30 we had the place to ourselves again and a big mess to clean up. I spotted a piece of Don’s Wedgwood teetering on the edge of table, I nudged it back onto the table hoping he didn’t spot his $50 dollar plate about to be obliterated. Who knew what else those maniacs got into.

Don was settling on the couch about to turn on the TV he motioned for me to join him and I panicked. I turned heading for the cellar to take count of the bottles.

“It’s ok, just sit.”

He reached out as if he was going to change the channel on the TV instead he threw the remote on the floor and jumped me. It took me nearly five minutes to stop laughing, he refused to give up though….

Dylan was at the other parents for one more evening and as much as I was enjoying my time with Don, I missed the nugget. I fell asleep next to Don ticking off the hours in my brain until James would bring him home.

Back In the Saddle

I was back, with the kid safely parked other parents apartment. As James walked me to the door I whispered in his ear that if anything happened to my kid I would cut his dick off. The bastard kissed me on the mouth and grinned then went back into the house with his son. He was still cute, but I think he had gotten himself into more than he could handle with the conservative Ann Marie.

By the time I had reached the Pink Pussy I had damn near chewed all of my lipstick off, worrying about what the other mother was doing with Dylan. When I walked into the Pink Pussy applying a fresh coat of gloss, I quickly forgot about Ann Marie when I heard the band conducting a sound check and saw Don behind the bar with a pencil behind his ear.

He was rapidly going through the inventory making sure everything was set for the second busiest night of the week. What a geek, he had his Buddy Holly glasses on and for some reason had decided to let a thick stubble grow on his head. He had his long sleeve T-shirt pushed up showing off his tats, which included Dylan’s name. I told him not to put my name on his body anywhere, because if things went south I didn’t want to be responsible even so, Savannah now adorned his wrist.

My husband was so not my type, small and sinewy he was not intimidating but I knew the grace and speed that was contained in the tight package. He looked up and saw me and smiled then went back to work.

As my work night began, I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. As far as I was concerned, I had brought the party back to the Pussy. While my tummy wasn’t as tight as it had been 18 months ago it wasn’t half bad and my tits were fabulous. To let everyone know I thought so I tucked a hundred dollar bill in my cleavage that begged some drunk bastard to start a fight.

Damn, I was out of shape, my right arm was burning and both wrist ached like an old lady from flipping bottles. I knocked back a Kamikaze just as Jane walked through the door with Pricilla.

“Ladies!” I called out to them raising my arms over my head, I was feeling drunk but had only one drink.

I added Gray Goose Vodka, grenadine, a whole fresh squeezed orange and pomegranate juice to a shaker and had a Pink Pussy ready for them by the time they bellied up to the bar. Jane was glowing but Pricilla looked as evil as ever. I wanted to pull the damn bull ring out of her nose for ruining my evening.

“You damn sour faced lesbian, what the fuck is your problem?”

“She’s pregnant.” Jane gushed.

I couldn’t move, I felt something bubbling deep inside my gut, when it finally burst forth it was tit shaking belly busting laughter—my face grew warm as I gasped for air. Jane looked hurt.

“I feel you sister.”

I knocked back her drink then poured the rest from the shaker for Jane.

Life just kept more interesting.

Union Square

A baby was crying, God, somewhere in the distance a baby wouldn’t stop crying. It’s piercing wails shattered my calm making my head throb. When I finally came out of my haze, I sat up abruptly causing my world to spin. I couldn’t decide if the headache started before or after Dylan started crying.
I stumbled to the crib plucking him up I unceremoniously patted him on his little ass and crawled back into bed with him. His cries died down to mewling as I lay there in the dimly lit room. This sucked I was depressed again. Nothing in me wanted this kid yet there was no way in hell I would ever give him up. What the fuck was wrong with me?
To answer my question, Mouse Face opened the door to my bedroom door without knocking.
“Yes” I didn’t bother to sit up or cover myself.
“I thought you were sleeping.” Her eyes averted my tits as if she would turn to stone if she looked.
“Well, I am awake.” Dylan was attempting to suck the pucker of skin between my arm and breast.
“Do you want…” I cut her off before she could finish.
“No, I got him.” It was time for them to move out. She was still standing the door staring at me and I wanted to get up and push her out.
“Goodbye” I waved at her sarcastically then laid back down with Dylan. I needed to get out of the house today.
Two hours later Dylan and I were sitting in Union Square deciding on where to go next. We had cleaned out Baby Gap; the Macy’s flagship store was void of their $200 dollar jeans in my size. I found a boutique with vintage T-shirts that cost and a ridiculous amount of money but I wasn’t ready to go home. My cell phone rang; I ignored it and headed to the Sketchers store. After that I would head over to Lush and buy some overpriced soap then I needed to find a Walgreen’s.
Dylan and I ate at fancy restaurant with tablecloths and nice plates then headed over to the Pink Pussy to have a talk with Daddy II. We were loaded down with crap and filled the trunk of a cab and the front seat. I wondered if my husband would regret putting money in my account every week. I hadn’t been spending anything, so I was fucking loaded.
The cab driver reluctantly helped us carry all of our bags inside so I didn’t give him a great tip. Don was behind the bar when we brought the last load in. I had one hand full of Dylan’s carrier and the other the last two bags.
“Wow, you know most of those places will deliver to your doorstep.” I smiled at him.
“Yeah but it’s not the same.” I set the bags down as he walked around the bar.
He kissed me, then Dylan.
“What’s up?” For the first time in a long time it was easy to say what I wanted.
“I want to come back to work.” I held up my hands to silence Don.
“Not bartending fulltime, I will do the books during the week with Dylan and on Thursday and Friday nights James and Mouse Face can keep the baby while I tend bar.”
“You have given this a lot of thought?” he rubbed my arms.
“Yes.” I had a question on my face.
“Deal.” he kissed me again.
I walked toward the back room to change Dylan. “Oh and it’s time for James and Mouse Face to move out”. With that, I shut the back door.
I thought I heard Don say he couldn’t agree more but it was probably just in my head. Alone in the office, well as alone as you can be with a baby strapped to your chest I felt the fog lifting and couldn’t wait until Friday night.

At Last

My attempts at breast feeding had been a joke. The kid just wouldn't stay latched on so subsequently I had given up and he was now on formula making my life much easier. Everyone could take turns feeding him and we didn't have to be attached.

My alone time was few and far between, but I learned quickly that if I sent the group off without the kid the stayed gone longer. He was asleep on my chest making soft cooing noises, while we were partially sumberged in tub full of warm water. I felt like cooing myself. The lights were down low and I sipped at a hideously small glass of wine. Thankful for the quiet.

I was tempted put him down but I knew he would be fussy by the time I put him in his diaper and onesy. I sat there until the water was nearly too cold then got up walking into the bedroom naked. I set him down on a towel I had laid out earlier ont then quickly dried myself off. I patted his pruney skin then placed him still in the towel in the pillow bumber I had made then climbed in next to him.

When I woke James standing over me, it took me a minute to remember my modesty and pull the sheet over my bare breasts.

"Wow" he grinned at me before reaching down to pick up his son. Cradling him he walked out of the room. I turned on my side but couldn't find sleep right away, it seemed as though I had just drifted off when Don climbed in next to me.

I scooted as close to him as possible intent on going back to sleep when I felt him stiffen. I opened my eyes but could only make out the outline of his face. Touching his cheek, I asked him what was wrong.

He didn't answer, instead he carassed my arm from wrist to the shoulder, repeatedly then down my side. I smiled to myself then kissed him. I threw my leg over his waist and straddled him. I couldn't help but chuckle when he exhaled so forcefully that his hips pushed me up nearly an inch. It was our first time.

When I woke in the morning, Don was gone and Dylan was back. He was on his stomach facing me with his eyes open, he was making his fussy mouth, at any minute it would become his fussy cry. I propped myself up on the pillows then put him on my chest were he seemed most at home. I thought about what to do next, as if getting up and walking six feet across the room to grab a bottle out of the fridge and put it on the warmer required much thought.

After a few false starts I got up and got the bottle. Sitting cross legged on the bed I fed him. I must have looked like the madonna because when Jane knocked quietly on the door before letting herself in, she put her hand to her chest and gasped. I frowned at her before looking back a Dylan, then I noticed my still uncut hair hanging around my elbows and the fact that I was naked didn't help.

She sat down next to me on the bed and stroked Dylan's head, while I fed him. She sniffed. Oh Jesus here we go. The floodgates had just opened when the fiancée' walked in. So there she found us, me naked and holding Dylan with Jane curled up against me.

Hate was an ugly thing, but that I night her prejudice reared it's ugly head. Her boiling argument with James floated through the vents of the old house. She couldn't bare the thought of child being reared by such people?

Such people? Her soon to be husband had no qualms about throwing down with me on the first night we met and had probably repeated the scenario on numerous occasions and she was worried about about a couple of lipstick lesbians?

I fumed, Don was at work and I was sitting in plush chair next to Dylan’s crib with my legs curled up to my chest. I would be damned if my kid turned into prejudice right wing asshole.

Shit, I was a mother.

The Other Parents

Some asshole nurse was telling me to take deep breaths while Jane and Pricilla clicked away with disposable camera and Don calmly held my hand. I felt as though someone had just punched me in the crotch simultaneously as they stabbed me in my kidney’s. I had gotten to the hospital to late to have my epidural and my labor was increasing rapidly.

An excruciating pain shot up my ass as like poker. I felt my whole stomach stiffen then watched horrified as it actually moved on it’s own. Oh fuck me, I wasn’t ready for this thing.

Don was ready, he had a nursery commissioned diapers, clothes and formula stocked. We had discussed breast feeding, names, schools? I felt like an idiot.

Some part of me never thought I would make it this far, in the back of my head I was always going to loose this kid—now I had my big chance to screw it up. Don had made me tell James about the baby, he had promptly demanded a paternity test. Good sign right? I told him to fuck off he immediately realized I was telling the truth and refused to sign away his parental rights.

He was in the waiting room with his fiancée of one week, who actually seemed to be salivating at the idea of an instant family. Go figure, we thought the party boy decided to settle down but Priscilla scooped us all. James new honey wasn’t new at all. They had been on again off again since they were fourteen and apparently getting me pregnant curbed James need to explore.

PUSH

I did, so hard my face turned red and the world began to spin. My ears started to ring, I felt something pop and my world went black.

When I came to, everyone was staring at me they weren’t smiling anymore. Jesus, I felt my heart flip over and I lost sensation in my toes. I closed my eyes and nearly started panting my chest was so tight. Finally someone spoke.

“It’s a boy.”

I opened one eye, my chest was tight because there was a nine pound baby on it mewling and looking dead at me with big blue pools where his eyes should be. Blue? I looked at Don who laughed—I had actually forgotten he wasn’t the father.

hat a mess. I started to cry out of sheer terror but everyone thought I was happy and joined in then started taking pictures.

Two days later on the ride home, Don dropped a bomb and not so subtly. I had just turned around for the tenth time to make sure Dylan (named after Bob and Thomas) was still there when he told me that he had let James and Ann Marie move in to the house.

“Are you insane?” I couldn’t help it, my hand flung out and clipped him on the back of the head. Call it a knee jerk reaction to someone telling you there was something worse waiting at home than the bundle in the backseat.

“Look, we agreed we didn’t want a custody battle, right”

I tried to speak but he wouldn’t let me.

We he finished I found that he reasoned that it was temporary and only until Dylan was ready to travel more. The house was big, but it wasn’t that big…

When we got home, there was cake again and punch and Dylan's other parents.

Garden of Eden

Whoever said some days are better than others made a gross overstatement. Jane was sitting next to me holding my hand while Pricilla of all people applied my makeup. What the hell was I doing? Don had immediately said yes when I asked him to marry me. He didn’t smile, or jump for joy he simply said yes.

Now I was sitting in our bedroom on the trunk at the foot of the bed eyeing Jane’s champagne and wearing a simply strapless dress that fell “elegantly” over my bump and flat shoes. Jane had taken my hand because they were turning red from my fidgeting.

When Pricilla finished my makeup she shrugged.

“It’ll do”

I held up a mirror to the perfection that was my chubby pregnant face. As I angled my head from side to side I caught the slight smirk of pride of her face. I just had to burst her bubble.

“I look like a Goddamn Stepford Wife.”

Her smirk broke into a full on grin.

“I know, it’s a fucking miracle” she put the rest of her tools away.

Jane was near tears and I tried to ignore her.

“You look so beautiful.”

I still hadn’t cut my hair yet, but somehow Jane had managed to pile it all on top of my head.

“Show time” Pricilla was holding the door open.

Ten minutes later I was married in the back garden of the house I now called home. The guests included Don’s brother, Pricilla and Jane. Not every girls dream wedding, but we had full catered dinner and cake, you can’t forget the cake.

Later in the evening as I lounged across Don’s lap, Pricilla and Jane fought loudly over the Playstation 2 game that I had spent hours mastering, Katamari Damasi . While Don’s brother scowled at me over a the bottle of champagne he was drinking directly out of.

I scowled back at him and rested my hand over Don’s, which had found a willing perch on my stomach. Don must have sensed something because suddenly, after popping and olive in his mouth he announced that it was our bedtime.

It was ten minutes until 9:00 PM. As he stood taking me with him his brother followed me with his eyes. I had heard them arguing earlier, he didn’t think I was good enough for Don. Smart kid, he was right. So when I snuck back down stairs to raid the refrigerator at 2:00 AM and found him doing the same thing, I gave him an earful.

He was standing the Subzero with a spoon sticking out of his mouth. He hadn’t noticed me when I started my rant.

“You’re absolutely right.”

I nearly yelled it and the spoon dropped from his mouth and clamored to the floor.

“Ok” he shrugged.

“I’m not good enough for him, I am not even good enough for most people but I have survived this long on my own and I could survive now but I chose not to.”

“Ok”

“You don’t have to worry about me taking his money, I could give a shit about that.”

I moved until we were almost toe to toe.

“So here is your chance, lay it on me.”

“Wha?”

“The cuckolding, gold digger speech, lay it on me.”

“I don’t give a shit about his money either, I am just worried that your going to take that baby and run and smash his fucking heart.”

“Oh”

I took a step back, pointing my nose in the air as haughtily as possible.

“Shows how well you know me, I would leave the kid with him.”

I waited for a heartbeat before telling him I was kidding.

“I’m afraid for his heart too.” I retreated going back up the stairs without my snack to lie down next to my husband.

Jesus, I had total screwed myself. I was stuck all because I was afraid of becoming a man hating old lady with cats.

Madness I say.

I knew I had to be going insane. I was talking to God and I swear the answers I got back sounded suspiciously like Sir Alec Guinness. I was working back in the bar, but no where near the booze, instead I was doing the accounting. A desk and a big damn belly that wouldn’t fit under it.

“Patience my child” Sir Alec said.

Fuck that, I had been crying for nearly three days straight. I was sleeping next to man that I had never made love too. I really can’t blame him, who the hell would want to fuck me? Pregnant with some party boys baby and growing disgust for life in general. It wasn’t fair that Don was stuck with me—fuck that, he stuck himself with me. I didn’t ask, did I?

It was almost happy hour and Don would be shooing me out the door to go home and rest. Instead of waiting I finished up my work, and locked the receipts back in the safe.

When I walked out of the office and saw Don talking to a familiar man, my heart turned over in my chest. I took a step back and without realizing it I put my hand over my stomach. The man turned to me and Don gestured in my direction with the dish rag he was holding.

“My girlfriend.” He said smiling at me.

Shit

The man who I had hit over the head nearly eight months ago was looking at me up and down, but he didn’t see me. I had pregnant belly and was wearing hot pink and had curls in my hair that I still hadn’t cut. He turned back to Don and said thank you then left.

I didn’t realize I was shaking until Don crossed the room to me and stroked my arms up and down.

“It’s ok.”

I shook my head negative.

“I’ve got to go, I have to get out of here.”

He didn’t recognize you, you don’t have to go anywhere.

“What the fuck did he say to you?”

The wait staff poured into the front door, a loud burst of chatter and bullshit.

“Let’s get you home.”

Don helped me out to the car, which these days was suspiciously a Jeep Grand Cherokee, the Jag had disappeared—I didn’t ask.

I couldn’t look at him on the way back to the house and didn’t get out to walk me to the door which was his norm. When I looked at him expectantly he spoke hesitantly.

“Are you going to be here when I get home?”

I nodded. Where the hell would I go anyway?

By 9 P.M. I was asleep. I had been severely put off after reading a short story about a woman who is depressed because she killed a friends baby on accident—no shit. That’s the kind of crap you’re not supposed to recover from—why right a story about it?

I think creativity is just another word for madness. Fear crept into my dreams along with the dead baby that turned out to be mine. I woke up screaming and fighting with the covers.

I don’t even think he woke up but Don hauled me back down by his side, and hooked his leg in mine and resumed snoring. He had probably only been asleep and hour, but I was ready to get up and start climbing the walls.

Instead I watched the sunrise with the weight of his arm resting on my side.

I thought about a lot of things. Like the first man who I thought was the love of my life. Shit, what the fuck did I know, I was only 19 and fell for his victim bullshit. You know, his wife was an evil bitch who wouldn't let him see his kids. Worst of all when his ex-wife showed back up I actually believed his lies, that they weren’t fucking and that they were just trying to make thing work for their children.

It was my fault that I was surprised when he said he had nothing to give me, and that I deserved better. Yeah right, two months later was shacked up with his ex with another brat on the way.

Sometime between sunrise and Don waking up to cook me breakfast I realized I had become one of the bitter bitches I despised.

So over a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, before I could catch myself I asked Don to marry me.

Shit, Damn, Muthafucka

One month ago when I woke up at Don’s I promptly ran to the bathroom—ok so I didn’t know where it was and I nearly puked on the fluffy rug. Anyway I vomited. Today I was in a clinic with a bitch in starched jacket asking me if I knew who the father was. Jesus H. Christ. I thought of ramming a blade into my belly to cut it out, eating poison or doing as many drugs as I could find. Shit, with my luck I would end up still pregnant and 7 months later taking care of damn retard.

“Are you going to keep it?”

When I didn’t answer right away she woman waved a clipboard in front of my face. I blinked several times.

“Fuck off.” I stood up so fast the flimsy chair flipped over.

I pushed past the Jesus freaks in the lobby telling the young girls, that they could help and walked out. I wasn’t a scared fucking kid anymore, I was pushing thirty and about to go insane. I thought I had the God damn flu, I hurled for two weeks straight it didn’t matter if it was morning or night, besides I had lost nearly ten pounds. When the puking finally stopped I got back to a normal work schedule and didn’t give it a second thought. I hung out with Don on and off, and finally started to relax—now this shit.

There was a comfortable warmth in the city today, while locals fanned themselves and cranked up their cars air conditioning, I let the sun hit my face as I walked.

What the hell was I going to do?

I found myself on a bus to North Beach, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. Outside of Don’s door I watched as a police cruiser drifted by, all eyes on me. I knocked, and let several minutes pass. I rang the doorbell and when he didn’t open the door I laid my cheek against it. When Don opened it I nearly fell in. He caught me, happily surprised and kissed me gently before returning to buttoning up his shirt.

There were so many things I could have said.

“I need a week off.”

“The stomach thing is back.”

Something, anything but instead I blurted out. “I’m pregnant, it’s not yours.”

He momentarily looked like I slapped him, then recovered.

“James?”

I nodded before wandering into the family room and collapsing on the sofa. Don followed me.

“What are you going to do about it?”

I shook my head, I sure as hell didn’t know and I sure as hell didn’t expect to hear what Don said next.

“Move in with me.”

I froze, the 72 inch flat screen HDTV in front of me reflected my blurry image. For the first time in my life I felt like I needed my mom.

Don closed the short distance to the couch and sat down next to me. I folded into him and sobbed.

Two months later I found myself still sitting on his couch, full of angst with a growing belly and a particular disdain for life. He came home every night, and kissed me and told me it was going to be ok. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. How the fuck did I get here? How the fuck did I let this sweet man become a part of my fucked up life?

I looked at his hopeful brown eyes and I wanted to love him but I was so fucked up that I couldn’t. I was going to fuck this up, fuck the kid up and everything else in between.

The cellar was only half my problem, today I had stared at the wet bar for nearly an hour. The fucking Grey Goose bottle was damn near talking to me.

When I heard the front door shut, I pretended to sleep. I had given in to the Goose and knocked back two shots, I was so afraid that he would find out.

“Savannah, lets go to bed” He pulled me up from the couch.

It was 3:30 AM when Don helped me into bed and went into the bathroom, it finally dawned on me that I had waited up for him. Maybe some small part of me was coming alive, maybe I should leave San Francisco.

Sour Grapes

Grapes are always the sweetest thing in fruit salad. I love strawberries but for someone reason in the most colorful melanges they never stand out. I was sitting across from Don again, in one our early morning picnics, instead this time we were on his living room floor.

I hadn’t bothered glancing in the mirror since I left home yesterday evening, I knew I wouldn’t like what I saw—yet Don was watching me as if I were Angelina Jolie covered in bronzer, ready for a photo shoot. He had grabbed what was in his pantry and refrigerator and laid it out on a low mahogany table in his living room that was probably worth a year of my rent. I picked at the fruit salad, cheese and crackers wondering who the hell keeps this stuff in their fridge?

Earlier he had disappeared behind a bookshelf to get the wine beckoning me to follow, but when I peered through the opening at the stone lined walls and curved wooden staircase something in me had revolted. A cellar? I waited at the top of the stairs for him to return.

The familiar panic kept trying to take hold all night so everytime I felt a twinge I took a sip of the sweet Gewürztraminer, rolling it over my tongue. The first time, the sensation had only made it up to my right knee, now the wine was having a hard time keeping it subdued in my belly.

I was waiting, for anything. We were just staring at each other. Finally with no end in sight I dramatically collapsed onto the pillow behind me landing on my ponytail just wrong. Reaching up I started to take my hair loose then thought better of it—some guys got off on that shit.

“Now, I just have to figure out how to drink my wine from down here.”

He still didn’t say anything, and I suddenly couldn’t control the twinge anymore but before I could sit up to make a hasty exit, Don yanked me closer to him by pulling on my extended leg. Panic screamed through every cell in my body. Run! He cupped the back of my head and leaned over me.

Jesus.

Reaching behind his back he picked up my glass and put it to my lips.

“How’s that?”

I sipped, then unable to stifle my relief started laughing. Then he kissed me, I will still laughing so his upper lip hit my teeth. In my surprise, I kissed him back but when he tugged on the waist of my jeans to nestle my legs between his, I had to stop. He was my boss, whom I really liked and I really didn’t want to ruin, I felt like I could eat him alive.

Sitting up I forced him back on his heels, but he still didn’t break contact with my mouth. When I raised my hand to push him away as gently as possible, he took my hand and threaded his fingers through mine, suddenly something broke.

When he pulled away to kiss my face, I tasted my own tears and felt like a fool. I buried my face in his shoulder, he hugged me to his chest then stood up offering his hand. I took it.

When we reached his bedroom, he simply stripped down to his underwear and climbed into bed. I looked around lost, until he raised the cover on the other side of the bed. I started to climb in fully clothed. He chuckled.

Rolling my eyes, I stripped down to my panties and climbed in next to him, like a virgin I laid on my back pulling the covers to my chin. Grabbing my nearest arm he scooted me over and settled me into the crook of his arm.

“This will be the second time we’ve slept together, people are going to start talking.”

I fell asleep smiling.

North Beach Answers

I wasn’t lucky enough to simply miss my shift, instead I woke up in a tub of freezing water with Don pulling my eye open. I was so numb I didn’t even sputter. At least I wasn’t naked. I pushed myself out of the tub, rising to my full height and blinked rapidly trying to clear my eyes.

“Did I miss something?”

The water sheeted off of me then continued to drip from my clothing. Don looked grave.

“What did you take?”

“Xanax and Beer, what did you take?”

I looked around the room, no Jane, no Pricilla.

“What are doing in here?”

“I came buy to see if you wanted a ride to work, Jane and Pricilla let me in on their way out.”

“So what? You just barged in my room?”

“Yeah I barged in after knocking for ten minutes straight.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped from the tub.

Don touched my arm, his hand was warm and made me shiver.

I thought he was going to console me, to tell me life wasn’t that bad. I thought he was going to council me like he was my big brother.

Instead, he looked at his watch.

“You have ten minutes to get dressed before you make us both late.”

Damn if he didn’t almost make me smile.

Defiant to the last, I was still buzzed and didn’t want to miss an opportunity. With a great deal of effort I pulled off my clothes, in a strip tease that was anything but sexy.

When my jeans and panties hit the floor, I pushed my hair out of my face.

He kept his gaze steady, never leaving my eyes.

“What’s with the mansion in North Beach?”

He looked down.

I stomped out of the bathroom to my room, Don followed me, my dripping clothing in hand. I found the towel I discarded this morning, dried off, and proceeded to dress myself. Don stood at the doorway seemingly speechless.

“Well?” I said as I pulled my hair back into a drippy ponytail.

I looked in the mirror, “Shit.”

I brushed on some blush, a quick two coats of mascara and some fuchsia gloss and I was ready.

Don was still staring at me, make a puddle.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I grabbed my purse and walked out of the room, he followed me. When I walked out to the street the first thing I saw was the Jag. My memories were suddenly like dominoes cascading back into my consciousness.

It was parked out side the PP the day I had my interview, it was outside the night of the party—right in front of Jim’s car.

He was never trying to hide it. I turned back to where Don was locking the front door, he had gotten rid of my clothes somewhere.

As he walked down the stoop to the street he didn’t take his eyes off of mine even has he rounded to the driver’s side door—it was as if he was afraid I was going to bolt.

He opened his door and got in. I pulled the passenger door open and slid into the buttery seat. I didn’t want to touch anything.

After a couple of blocks he spoke, “It’s mine.”

“I would hope so since you’re driving it.”

“No, I mean the house is mine.”

“Uh huh, I guess I just thought you were a different person, it’s my own fault.”

“You’re serious?”

“About?” I looked at my fingernails.

“You suddenly don’t like me because I have money.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you, I just don’t know you and we don’t have a whole lot in common.”

“Look, everything I have told is true, my father, everything.”

“Ok.” We were almost there so I looked out the window.

He slid into a parking spot, when I started to open the door before the car was in park he reached across me and held the door.

“Look, I am self made—ten years ago by luck I wrote some a software program that turned out to be very valuable. When an industry giant found out I had trumped them in something they were trying to develop, they offered to buy me out. My refusal sparked other companies to take notice and start making they started making offers too. Long story short, I sold out, I made a lot, bought the house, the Pink Pussy and have enough to live more than comfortably for the rest of my life…end of story.”

“Lucky bastard”

I pushed the door open and got out. My last minute entrance into the bar caused a stir with some of the regulars, who cheered.

Behind the bar, I cracked my knuckles, shook the kink out my neck and flipping a bottle of whiskey in my hand, filled three shot classes, slid them down the bar and said out loud to myself.

“Let’s get to work!”

The band took it as their cue to start playing, and as the music washed over me, I forgot about everything for awhile.

Too rich to stomach.

All complainants please take a number and step to the rear of the line, fill out form 27FU in triplicate and wait for an eternity because Savannah is not listening.

I rolled onto my side and pushed up to my feet, all the while Don was still staring. Waving didn’t have the effect I was hoping for—the man was completely on edge. I crossed over to the now infamous dresser and pulled out a t-shirt. I didn’t have any PJ’s because normally, I slept naked.
At the edge of the bed I finally spoke.

“Shove over.”

He didn’t move.

“Mooove over.” I enunciated, making a rolling motion with my hand.

He finally scooted over and I climbed into bed, I reached up and turned off the light.

“Goodnight.”

I think I passed out before he ever laid back down.

Morning…

Don was gone when I woke up. I sat up looking for signs of his departure. A note? A red rose? A paper airplane like Tom Cruise left Kelly McGillis in Top Gun? Nothing.

I shrugged to myself and put my feet on the floor. I stretched; reaching for the ceiling then bent over and heard my back crack like a seventy-year-olds. I bent my knees—they protested.

I had once tried to be a yoga instructor in Tulsa. The director of the center fired me when she realized I didn’t know a downward facing dog from an elephant’s asshole. The memory made me smile.

Rolling back up I arched my back, thrusting my breasts forward just as the door opened.
Doesn’t anyone know how to knock?

It was Priscilla, something that surprised more than if it had been Don. She very rarely spoke to me and other than a few furtive glances she kept her distance. While Jane played the role of loving mother, Pricilla was the wary pit bull at her side.

“Yes”

I said it pleasantly as I rolled my shoulders back.

“Don wanted me to let you know that he would see you at work.”

“Thanks. Where’s Jane?”

“Don took her to work.” With that she frowned and shut the door.

Someone wasn’t happy. Maybe sweet sweet Jane was batting for both sides?

Oh well.

Sometimes I wished I could sit still, and read or watch TV or think heavy thoughts in some tacky journal covered in Zen phrases and Betty Boop stickers but that wasn’t me. If I wasn’t asleep, high or injured—I had to be moving.

By early afternoon I found myself in North Beach drinking in the rich world with my eyes. My brain couldn’t process it though, the mansions the cars and the nannies. It didn’t fucking compute.

So it really didn’t compute when I spied my employer walking into a three-story house with a bag of groceries. Not to mention the fucking Jag in the driveway. I looked at the bay and the Golden Gate Bridge, the people flying kites on the small beltway between the water and the street. I looked back at the house.

There was no way in hell he made that much money with that piss ass bar—and I knew the business. There was also no way in hell some guy getting beat downs by Daddy is going to be left a butt load of cash.

Time to go.

Angry for no reason, I slammed my hands into my pocket with my shoulders damn near reaching my ears and started to walk back to the bus—forgetting my destination the Palace of Fine Arts.

Fuck. I felt myself getting sick again but didn’t bother searching for an explanation.

I went home and took two of Jane’s Xanax and the rest of the beer in the fridge—one short of six pack and prayed that I would miss my shift.

I was such a fool.

Naked

What the hell? I woke up and it was still dark, I panicked believing I had slept through another day. Scrambling off the bed I felt around blindly for my borrowed cell phone, the only time piece I had.

Well Goddamn, I had only been asleep for a couple of hours. With adrenaline still coursing through my body, I flopped back on the bed and fell asleep just as the sun was rising.

At 11:00 I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in weeks, and realized I needed to find something to do with my time. After about 30 minutes and no bright ideas, I got dressed and headed to the grocery store where I purchased a giant bag of peanuts, a loaf of bread and a Coke.

The 33 Geary took me to the park where I sat for nearly two hours feeding the pidgins, squirrels and any other small birds that dared to venture close enough. I watched a pair of doves cooing and flitting amongst the chaos, together. Most unexpectedly Don was in my head with his eyes closed and his breath on my lips.

I jumped up shaking off the feeling and scattering the birds, the most industrious of which followed behind me for a few feet before giving up.

It was nap time, or so I hoped. When I opened the door to the apartment the air wasn’t right—it was stale and there was too much movement. Fuck, the sound people talking filled my ears—several people talking.

I walked into the kitchen to find more than a dozen people crowded in with drinks in their hands. That wouldn’t have been so bad but smack in the middle of the group was James, he nodded at me I smiled it couldn’t get any worse.

When you’re wrong, you’re just plain wrong. Don was standing off in a corner eyeballing James and halfway scowling. He looked different, I hadn’t ever really seen him in daylight, silhouetted in front of the window, he was almost angelic. Jesus, I started to turn heel and head to my room when a familiar hand touched my arm.

James stood in front of me looking me up and down.

“Hi”

“Hi, how are you sugar?”

Ok, so maybe the sarcasm was dripping a bit from tongue. I didn’t fancy running into my one night stands no matter how much fun they were. Don walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer, he made eye contact with me when he opened it and swigged it back. Walking around me, he headed into the living room with rest of the small group.

James was still talking, but I didn’t hear him. So I smiled and excused myself, and said I would find him a few. I beelined for my room and didn’t emerge for two hours when it was time for me to leave for work. Pulling on my coat I walked as casually as possible to the front door, quickly spotting the asshole who had opened my door while I was dressing. The bastard had a lopsided grin on his face.

Next to him, a familiar bald head, with his chin dropped to his chest and a beer nearly tipping out of his hand. Ignoring the jackass I walked over to Don and nudged him with my knee.

He looked up with a goofy grin on his face.

“Walk me to work?”

He closed his eyes, still facing in my direction.

“I’m off.”

With that his head flopped back down to his chest.

“Ok?”

I made my exit quickly only to run into James standing on the stoop, smoking.

“Where have you been?”

I smiled shrugging my shoulders. “Sorry, I was so tired from work last night I fell asleep.”

“Ok, ok. Can I give you a ride to work?”

“Why not.”

The fucker tried to kiss me when I got of the car, I didn’t realize how much he had to drink. He barely missed clipping a taxi on the way here and stalled out on hill, laughing for what seemed like a lifetime before he stepped on the break to stop the car from rolling.

I snatched his keys out of the ignition when he tried to kiss me against my better judgement and called him a cab.

“You can get these here tomorrow.”

He didn’t even get mad.

“I knew you weren’t done with me.”

“Huh” I went into the Pink Pussy and found a small crowd already gathering and a band setting him. Trina, the waitress who saw me as competition was standing with a clipboard near the bar.

“You’re late.”

“Oh my.” I looked at my nonexistent watch.

“Don left me in charge.”

“I can see that.”

I gave her my rear and sauntered over to the bar where Shack was wiping down glasses with some other asshole I didn’t recognize.

“Hi gorgeous, I hear you have been doing pretty good filling in while I was gone.”

I laughed then forced myself to wink at him.

“This is my brother-in-law Mason, he is going to be helping out until I get back on my feet.”

“Ok” I shrugged it off but Shack kept talking.

“He’s worked at TGI Fridays and a couple of hotel bars but nothing like this, so be nice.”

“Ok”

I stashed my stuff under the bar and started wiping down the counter to warm up my arms.

At the end of the night Shack was long gone and Trina was still lording over the other waitresses and Mason.

She walked over to try her stuff with me.

“Get the broom from the back closet and sweep up.” She jerked her head toward the basement.

Fuck that I don't do brooms anymore. I finished wiping down the bar, and pulled my purse and jacket out from where I stashed them.

“Give it up honey.”

I walked out catching the last bus before 5:00 am.

The house was empty, the party was over apparently. Later I would find out that the participants in the mid week soirée had an annual shindig where everyone played hooky from work or suddenly got sick around noon to attend the party.

I stripped off my clothes as I walked, my bra was killing me for some reason. By the time I hit my door I only had my underwear on. Closing the door, I flopped down and shrieked when I found it was already occupied. My attempt to spring back up was thwarted when a hand covered my bare breast along with a jean clad leg the pulled me closer.

I turned my head to look at the intruder, who mumbled something and snuggled deeper into my flesh.

“Don!” Fuck, I hadn’t meant to say that so loud.

I jumped from the bed hitting the floor hard. I saw Don pop up suddenly wide awake.

I laid perfectly still on the floor hoping he would just pass back out. He didn’t, instead he turned on the light and looked over the side of the bed where I was laying in my underwear. I didn’t even bother to try to and cover up, what’s one more person who has seen me naked?

He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes again, they grew slightly larger.

I did the only thing I could… I waved.

Mothers and Fathers

Sometimes depression just creeps up on you, days, weeks and months go by before you realize it. That was never the case with me, it always hits me like an Acme anvil. I was standing in the shower crying, I had dry heaved in the shower for nearly 10 minutes before I could make the spasms stop.

I felt like a Goddamn pussy, fuck being a girl—it wasn’t an excuse in my book. I hugged myself and let the hot water run over me. I had taken some Xanax I found in the medicine cabinet so I was finally starting to calm down. Despite the warm water, goose bumps covered my body, and it wasn’t because of a warm fuzzy feeling.

I thought about the past few weeks, I thought about going back to Wyoming and coming clean—I thought about my mother. The salt from my tears left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Fuck this shit.”

Turning off the water, I grabbed my towel and stepped from the shower I put my hair in a Barbara Eden, dolled up my face and threw on comfortable jeans and low cut tank, a vintage Yves Saint Laurent jacket and skinny scarf and I was off to grab dinner then head to the Pink Pussy.

Earlier I had listened to Don’s messages.

“Savannah, call me when you get this.”

“Savannah, this is Don, where are you?”

“Savannah, call me early if you can’t make it tomorrow.”

I stopped at a fancy sandwich shop and got turkey on wheat with extra spouts, plain potato chips and a ginger beer. I ate it as I walked juggling the sandwich and potato chips in one hand and the soda in the other. I chewed with purpose, and walked into the bar nearly an hour before my shift started.

Don stood behind the bar, a lowball glass in his hand. He never took his took his eyes off of me as he filled his glass with Wild Turkey. He knocked it back then spread his arms along the bar on each side.

“Glad to see you could make it.”

Seven hours later I found myself sitting on a tablecloth behind the bar with a Fat Tire in my hand. Before me on a tray was an assortment of deli foods, cold fried chicken, potato salad and bread. I listened as Don said goodnight to one of the waitresses, I keened my ears waiting for him to return.

It was Monday and the bar slowed down around 12:00, it was dead 2:00. The time was 2:30. An hour ago, Don asked me if I was hungry, when I said yes he disappeared and returned with the food now sitting in front of me.

I had stupidly thought he had invited everyone so I agreed to this late night meal. I knew I was in trouble when I heard him slide the gate down and lock the door.

“Shit”

I took another swig of beer and waited. Don returned and in an effortless move sat cross legged in front of me. He held out another beer to me and popped the top of one for himself.

“What’s going on?” I heard myself ask.

Fuck what the hell was I thinking.

Don, put the bottle to his lips then spoke. “My Father died this morning.”

“I’m sorry.”

Suddenly I was seven again holding my mothers hand as she smoked a cigarette outside of the hospital.

“Your Daddy died to today, so we can’t see him—ever." She took a drag off her cigarette.

“Ever again.” I still remembered how she flared her nostrils, then set out through the parking lot with determination dragging me behind her.

Shit, I didn’t know what the fuck to do for Don.

He stared at me as he drank his beer. I put mine down.

“Where’d you go?”

I blinked picking up a piece of salami, then I recounted how my father was taken to the emergency room with bleeding varices and died shortly after telling me that I was his baby and that he loved me.

I still remember the blood staining his mouth. My mother had led a clean life up until that point but at the moment of my fathers death I think she decided that it was best if she went with him, something she was still trying to accomplish.

Don looked at me, not with sympathy or pity, he just looked at me.

Fuck

I pushed up on my knuckles and leaned across our picnic and kissed him gently on the mouth. When I pulled back he was just opening his eyes.

“Good night, thank you for dinner.”

Don watched me stand up, the followed suite.

“I hated my father, he beat the hell out of me and my brother, this was a celebration.”

I smiled. “Good for you.”

Scooping up my belongings I hit the street after Don opened the door for me. I sucked in a breath as the damnable wet fog found me and clung to me. I wrapped my jacket tighter and hopped on the number No. 6 to head home.

The apartment was quiet, and I was thankful. I sat on the couch for an hour fighting sleep knowing that whatever I would find in my dreams wouldn’t be good tonight.

When I was finally ready I washed up and climbed into my sheets—sheets that someone other than me had washed. I should buy something nice for Jane.

I dreamed of my mother.

Jerked Chicken and a Monday Gone

I found myself in Reggae bar in the Haight. Some Rastafarian had offered me some of his very pungent green bud and I had taken him up on it. In a back alley I had inhaled the cool smoke slowly through the bong, savoring the sweet flavor. Not like that Mexican brown shit I had in Sacramento, a couple of hits and I damn near forgot my name.

Sitting at the bar now I savored a Red Stripe and sucked the salt off of the pretzels sitting infront of me. I needed to eat. Rising from my stool, ok more like sliding I started to head for the door.

“Eh where you going girl?”

“I need food.”

“We got food, sit your arse back down.”

I obeyed, a little to out of it not to sit back down. The bar was closed, had been for a at least an hour. I was one of two females in the bar, my competition was around 50 and her hair in a colorful wrap. She sat in a booth with two men playing dominos and laughing heartily.

A plate of food was set before me and I dug in, the munchies had taken their grip I had a mouthful of hot banana and black beans and it tasted damn good but weeks of not eating right left me full after a couple of bites of jerked chicken and rice. I looked at my plate guilty.

“Can I have a box?”

“Girl you can’t even get two bites intoya, how’d expect to eva grow an ass.”

I turned to find the head wrap woman standing behind me. I took another bite.
She laughed and shook her head. While still looking at me she raised her arm and signaled my friend who persuaded me not to leave. He brought me some plastic gladware and a plastic bag. I dutifully scraped my food into the container and put it into the bag. Knowing the next time it would see the light of day would be in landfill somewhere.

“Thank you.”

With her hands on her hips the woman looked me up and down.

“My names Nadia.”

“Savannah”

We shook hands as she showed me to the door.

“You need to come back and let me read you sometime.”

“Read me?”

“Nevermind child, you just come back.”

With that she shoved me out of the door a single yellow cab sat in front of the bar, I looked around suspiciously. I climbed in and gave directions to my apartment, as we neared I caught site of something I couldn’t quite believe. The sun, it was barely cresting over a distant hill.

Jesus, how the fuck long had I been in that place?

I tripped into the apartment after fumbling with the door for nearly 5 minutes. I hummed my way to my room stripped off my clothes and climbed into my bed. I had forgotten the damn food in the cab.

1:28 PM

I woke up sideways on the bed again. Before I opened my eyes I thought something had woken me a slow “swoosh”. I cracked one eye and found Priscilla pulling open my Goddamn dresser drawer.

My adrenaline immediately kicked up, and I jumped of the bed snatching her hair again in what I am sure was a painful ball.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

I yelled for Jane. She appeared in the doorway before I realized that something was not right. It was Monday.

“Answer me what the fuck are you doing?”

Rather than fighting Priscilla had frozen, taking the abuse.

Jane reached out her hand trying to subdue me.

“Now, now…calm down, just wait here.”

I threw Priscilla against the wall, she tripped lamely.

“Did you fucking set me up?” I was calm now, so calm I was scaring myself.
Whatever I looked like to them it must be frightening they were both staring at me wide eyed.

We were just trying to see what you took.

“What the fuck, are you my mother, I didn’t get home until 5:30 this morning, I’m was tired.”

Jane put her hands out, “5:30 yesterday, you got home at 5:30 yesterday.”

“What?”

I heard myself nearly shriek.

Priscilla rubbing the back of her head spoke, “you have been out cold—you sleep walked into the bathroom last night and we haven’t scene you since.”

“Shit”

“What did you take?”

“Mary Jane and Jerked Chicken.”

Jane looked innocent “ I have never heard of that?”

“Marijuana” I said sitting down on the bed.

Jane frowned, “no I mean jerked chicken, is that a designer drug?”

Priscilla frowned. “I think she means she ate jerked chicken.”

“Someone must of slipped me something.”

“I’m sorry about pulling your hair…again.”

Around the same time of my apology I realized I was wearing a pair of panties and nothing more.

“Fuck, thanks for your concern.”

I laid back on the bed trying to figure out what I was going to tell Don.

Priscilla walked out of the room and Jane followed, before she closed the door she paused.

“I called in for you last night, I told Don you had a high fever and looked like hell so I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Thanks”

I dug out the phone I had been given, I had three missed calls.

Breathe

I can’t take this shit. I felt like my heart was going to fucking explode in my Goddamn chest. I had to get out, get high and get lost. The pressure in my chest was spinning and growing bigger by the second, I made it to the bathroom before I vomited.

I hadn’t bothered to close the door. The wife’s pregnant belly had prevented her from getting up too quickly. To her credit, she didn’t call for James—she stood in the doorway asking if I needed anything. Patient and understanding.

“No”

I thought about it, an empty stomach and beer didn’t make for a pretty combination coming up. I stood up wiping my mouth.

“Do you have any gum?”

She walked away for a minute and returned with a new toothbrush and a used tube of toothpaste.

“I didn’t mean to pry.”

She left me alone for the rest of the afternoon, but it didn’t help. Every time James touched the small of my back, my skin crawled. He wasn’t repulsive but it was if he was trying make sure the loving couple knew I was his.

What the fuck happened to my good time party boy with the sly smile. Suddenly in the car I was angry and having nowhere to direct my anger I pointed it at him.

“What the fuck was that about?”

He didn’t flinch.

“Look Dahlin, Melissa and Sam are my two best friends in the world, but every since they got hitched and got pregnant they want me to find the same—no offense but there is still to much fun to be had in this world.”

“I had a great time with you and you saved my ass—but I don’t see it happening again.”

Every ounce of stress drained from my body, I damn near sighed.

“Thank the Lord.”

“What?” he asked looking at me frowning.

I started laughing.

“Did you think I was looking for more than a good time?’

He was still speechless by the time he dropped me off at my house.

I winked at him and walked in to find Jane making out with her ex girlfriend.

They immediately stopped Jane beamed at me, blushing.

“Savannah, this is Priscilla.”

I raised my eyebrow, “sorry for pulling your hair.”

Her smirk suddenly turned into a snarl. I smiled bigger.

“Is that Jane’s dress.”

“Yes, and I can’t wait to strip it off.”

I walked back to my room, peeled off the dress and with a degree of defiance walked butt naked to the bathroom for a shower.

I washed off the last of James' smell from the small of my back and tried to get the puke smell out of my nose. What trouble could I get into tonight?

I was still thinking about it when back in my room, just as I was sliding on my jeans a rapid buzzing sound made me jump. WTF.

Looking around I felt safe again and continued fastening my jeans. BUUUUUZZZZZ

Fuck, I followed the sound, it was coming from under my bed.

Shit—my phone. A fucking phone I didn’t want. Don had given to me as a “loner” until I got my phone service set up. He knew damn good and well that I wasn’t going to buy a phone or get service for that matter. Hell I could blow town at any given second.

It was him on the other end, he was the only person who had the number. I answered with more than a degree of sarcasm in my voice.

“This is Savannah.”

No answer, I looked at the phone it was still connected. I put it to my ear.

“Savannah”

“Yes Don.”

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

“I’m fine.” I frowned into the phone.

“Ok, I will see you tomorrow.”

He hung up without letting me respond. I had goose bumps and suddenly felt the need to get high again.

Nicotine and Ice Cream

Childhood is fucked up, but it’s only when you look back on it that you realized how really fucked up it is. I was somewhere in Oakland, it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday and I had cold, weak beer in my hand.

Shit, I even had a God damn sundress on. What the fuck was I doing? Tex had woken up full of sunshine and happiness and dragged me here to his co-workers house for a barbeque. They were outside now standing around pitiful grill, killing four Cornish game hens for the second time and burning the corn on the cob.

I was in the house with the girlfriend, wife whatever the fuck she was. I was paralyzed with the beer sweating in my clammy hand staring out the window at a man that I didn’t care for at all. A temporary diversion had turned into a big mistake.

Beyond the men admiring the food on the grill I saw the top of an ice cream truck over the fence, it turned the corner but I could still hear it’s music. I listened as it grew faint and haunting. It was stupid, but growing up my neighborhood ice-cream man always gave me popsicle, even when I didn’t have the money. No he wasn’t a fucking perv, just a sweet old man.

During the summer, I couldn’t wait for him to come ‘round and I was always sad when it turned cold. One summer, less than a week before school let out I skipped down the driveway in my holey Keds and cutoff jeans—I practically jumped through the window—the hands that caught me had dirt under the fingernails and were stained with nicotine. A toothless face grinned at me touching my arms for a little bit too long. The smell of stale cigarettes tweaked my nose as I pushed back to the ground.

“What can get for you darling?”

I shook my head no.

“Don’t be shy now.”

I turned and ran back into my house, bypassing the living room where mother was arguing with her boyfriend. I curled up on my bed mourning not seeing my friend—later I would find out he had died from a massive heart attack.

I didn’t want to be here that day, I wished I could simply disappear from Earth without anyone taking notice. Today I felt the same, a crushing sense of loss for something I could never have—I downed the beer in two gulps and reached for another. Halfway through it when I finally surfaced for air the girlfriend was staring at me with two big brown eyes on head 2 feet above a very pregnant belly.

She smiled at me, flipping a dishtowel over her shoulder.

“Do you need any help?” I stammered out what I thought was the correct thing to say.

“No” I’m done. She smiled warmly again and I shifted my feet.

Fuck this.

I turned to bolt out of the front door; I couldn’t breath in this fucking dress. It was ridiculous, it was Jane’s and I was getting the hell out of here.

A small hand encircled my bicep.

“Why don’t we sit down.” the wife smiled at me again.

I downed the rest of the beer, she brought me another.

I made quick work of it.

“So, what’s your story?”

“I don’t have a story.” I frowned.

“Everyone has a story.” She leaned her head against the couch and played with her hair.

When I didn’t answer she continued.

“James has never brought anyone over, we have known him for three years.”

As if on cue, I heard him laugh.

I felt sick.