I wasn't exactly off the grid, instead I was hold up in a plantation that Charlie was care taking at. I had a feeling that James had something to do with it, it was a sweet gig compared to the cemetery.
There was only one phone line in the house and I couldn't hear it in my room. Dylan was with with Don for the week. Something James seemed comfortable with. Walking and talking he was even more like his father, something that was a source of endless amusement.
Don wanted answers that I couldn't give him, he wanted to know what happened. Sure he married a drug using bum pregnant by another man but he couldn't figure out why the relationship fell apart.
Priscilla and Jane had stopped talking to me. They thought I would have returned by now but I couldn't, there was just something broken.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 17, 2009
Fucking A
I don’t even think that expression is En Vogue anymore but it still worked for me. I was an ass, a big one and instead of getting a weight off of my shoulders I had gone and made Jane cry, hell I had broken her heart. If she felt this way about the situation I don’t even want to know what would happen if I told Don. Fuck me for thinking I could have a normal life. I laid back down on the bed, while Jane sat on the edge crying silently.
I know how she felt sort of, it’s like when I found out my mothers boyfriend that I actually liked was leaving. He wasn’t my Dad and he had really only been in my life for 6 months but I thought my world was falling down around me. The ignorant hick in my also failed to remember that Jane had been friends longer with Don that he had been my boss or husband.
“Do you think you will change your mind?” Jane sobbed.
“Baby girl, I am a fuck up and nothing is going to change that but right here, right now is not where I should be—if I don’t get out soon I am going to destroy everything.”
Jane wiped her nose. “What are you going to do?”
“I think I am going to take James up on his offer to go to New Orleans but I am going to stay with Charlie. Y’all can come visit, I don’t want to make it seem like I am going to be gone forever.”
“I get the worse feeling that your never coming back, that I will never get to see Dylan again.” Jane looked at me.
“You will see Dylan again.” Jane’s face crumbled and I realized that I hadn’t included myself in that sentence.
I needed to call Don, shit maybe I should wait until I didn’t have a fever.
I know how she felt sort of, it’s like when I found out my mothers boyfriend that I actually liked was leaving. He wasn’t my Dad and he had really only been in my life for 6 months but I thought my world was falling down around me. The ignorant hick in my also failed to remember that Jane had been friends longer with Don that he had been my boss or husband.
“Do you think you will change your mind?” Jane sobbed.
“Baby girl, I am a fuck up and nothing is going to change that but right here, right now is not where I should be—if I don’t get out soon I am going to destroy everything.”
Jane wiped her nose. “What are you going to do?”
“I think I am going to take James up on his offer to go to New Orleans but I am going to stay with Charlie. Y’all can come visit, I don’t want to make it seem like I am going to be gone forever.”
“I get the worse feeling that your never coming back, that I will never get to see Dylan again.” Jane looked at me.
“You will see Dylan again.” Jane’s face crumbled and I realized that I hadn’t included myself in that sentence.
I needed to call Don, shit maybe I should wait until I didn’t have a fever.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Cheater Cheater
I couldn’t do it anymore. The fact was plain and simple—I wasn’t meant to be married let alone be a mother. It was too late to give up the kid, I was too damn attached but Don didn’t have to suffer my self imposed entrapment. Sometimes I felt like I should have been born a man, I guess that’s a bullshit excuse for less than a mensch. I had been stuck in the hospital for two days and all I could do was think about Reno and that old lady, she had changed my fate, some part of me couldn’t let her down.
It was Tuesday, and it was raining. I was tucked inside my bedroom, still too weak to really do anything. I was laying on my back playing with the overkill remote which I still hadn’t figure out how to use. Once I was able to turn on the stereo, to my further exasperation I found trying to peruse the music library on this contraption overwhelming—so I pressed Shuffle.
The Beatles poured from the Bose speakers and a deafening rate. I covered my ears looked at the remote, then gave up and got up to turn it down manually. It took three knobs, a few dozen buttons and much cursing before it was at a comfortable level. I had been seconds away from pulling out every plug I could find. Climbing back into bed, I let the world spin, perhaps bending over hadn’t been such a good idea.
My cell phone rang it was James, I picked it up irritated that it was him.
“Hello”
“Hey, how are you doing dawlin?”
“Good” his drawl made me smile a little.
“I was thinking.” Big pauses were never good.
“You were thinking?” Two heartbeats was more than enough time for me to wait.
“I want to go back to New Orleans.” Fuck, my heart flipped, sank and did all the other horrible shit they do when you hear something you don’t want to hear.
“I” I didn’t know what to say and I wasn’t ready to speak.
“Cher, I want to take Dylan with me for a couple of months.” Here they were hot fucking tears, blinding me. I had become such a damn crybaby since having the kid.
“Savannah, I want you to come with us.” He choked on us, I sobbed, hung up the phone and did the stupidest thing you could possible do.
I took a steaming hot shower, painted my face, pulled on the tightest jeans I could find and the highest heals I could tolerate and called a cab.
What the fuck was I doing, I knew exactly what I was doing. Ruining my marriage, putting my kid in jeopardy and coming up for air for the first time in months. There was an oak door between me and the crazy train. I had downed two gimlets at a no name dive before arriving where my feet were currently planted.
I knocked, Darren opened the door. He had his professor jacket off and he was wearing one of those cheesy short sleeved dress shirts and a tie. I didn’t have to say anything; it must have been the way I let my eyes crawl from his feet, over his tatted arms to his mouth that I had been dreaming about.
He yanked me in the office and had his tongue buried in my mouth before I could have a second thought. My skin tingled and the fog in my brain lifted. I kissed him back grabbing him on both sides of his waist.
He pushed me up against the door—maybe dreams do come true.
“You are so hot.” I smiled, as he kissed my neck.
When he pulled back still embracing me and frowning, I knew he wasn’t talking about my sex appeal.
Before I could protest, the back of his hand was on my forehead and was looking at me clinically.
“Don said you were just getting over something.” I let my leg around his waist slid to the floor. He said his name.
I must have looked mortified, he kissed me gently. “Why don’t we take a walk to the med center?”
He stepped away from me leaving a void and walked to his desk to grab his keys.
I may as well have been a snake and not a student. Before entering I had hastily reapplied some gloss but suddenly I felt a sick as I must have looked.
The nurse, took the thermometer out of my ear.
“100.1, you should go home. If it gets any higher go back to the hospital.”
I was right back where I started. I had convinced Darren that Don was home and I would be fine when he dropped me. I trudged back and hid all evidence of my outing. Grabbing an ice pack I climbed back into bed, halfway dreading being alone. The thought had barely finished forming in my brain when the front door opened.
“Savannah” It was Jane, the question is…to confess or not to confess. It was just a kiss, so far.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Well God Damn
His smell filled my nose and worked its way into my lungs. His lips were firm, cool to the touch—his hands, icy made me shiver as they traced a path over my ribs. He took my heat, lapping it from my tongue. This was damn good. I didn’t feel the hard bricks behind my back. Only a whisper of shock escaped when he hooked his fingers into my panties.
“Mammuh” He was pulling away.
“Mammuh” A little hand patted forearm slapping it lightly.
I opened my eyes, Dylan was smiling back at me eating zwieback cookie and drooling profusely in the process. James was standing over me smiling.
“You look so innocent when you sleep.” I frowned.
Bastard, James was a part of my problem. I realized I felt a little woozy and put my head back down on the couch thinking it would pass. James face changed to concern and he picked up Dylan, and placed his hand on my forehead.
“You’re hot”
“Thank you.” I cracked a smile and realized my entire face hurt. I frowned rolling over yawning.
“I thought you had Dylan until tomorrow.” I waved at him, goofy as hell with the exact same look on his face as his Dad. I put my hand to face; the palm of my hand was shockingly cold and made me remember my dream. I smiled again.
“I think you need to go to the Hospital” James had serious look of concern on his face.
“Who needs to go the hospital?” Don walked in with a bag full of groceries from Trader Joes.
James didn’t even bother to back away from me to let Don get closer.
“I don’t need to go the hospital.” I closed my eyes and was sucked back into my dream.
I smiled in the dream as he approached me again kissing me. I moaned, and was promptly slapped on the cheek.
“What the fuck!” I sat up so fast it scared Dylan and he gave me a dirty look like he was the one who got slapped.
Don was sitting over me now. “You’re delirious.”
“Pssht” I laid back down, now where was I?
I hated being carried more than anything. I wasn’t a Goddamn baby. But here I was being cradled by husband who was I am pretty sure…shorter than me. He seat belted me into the car then put an icepack on the back of my neck.
What the fuck, I pulled it off and vaguely noticed that James was buckling Dylan into his car seat and climbing in next to him.
“If I am so sick do you really think you should have the baby around me?” Why was I so dizzy? And nauseas? Oh shit what if I was pregnant again, that would be some shit.
We pulled up to the hospital and I couldn’t be bothered to get out of the car, Don yanked the door open and tried to make get into a wheel chair.
“I’ll walk”
Stumble more like it. Why the hell was everyone staring at me?
“Maybe because you look like a damn drunk?” I opened my eyes. What the hell? I was laying in hospital bed covered in a damn freezing contraption that I suppose was supposed to bring my temperature down.
Don was sitting next to me, James and Dylan were nowhere in site.
“What happened?” I pulled an oxygen mask off.
“You took two steps out of the car and passed out, nearly hitting your head. You had 103 temperature.”
“I don’t get fevers” I shook my head
“How do you feel now?” Don was being very clinical.
“Cold, tired.” Don nodded.
“They are going to keep you for awhile, they don’t know what you have it might just be a virus, they are running some tests but they want your fever to be below 100.”
I looked at the IV in my arm.
“I slept through all of this?”
Don nodded.
He was mad; I could tell his lip was tight and slightly pushed out. He took his glasses off to rub the bridge of his nose.
I felt a pang in my chest, he was so handsome, it was like when he took his glasses of he wasn’t
I reached out and took his hand, I could barely reach it. He encircled my wrist before he looked up at me. He stood up, kissed me then turned at walked out of the hospital room.
Panic shot through my body and I started sobbing. I tried to tell myself I was jumping to far ahead, but I knew something had changed within him.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Window Shopping
Darren sidled in the bar that night looking much more like I was used to. He smiled at me and walked up to the bar. “What is your goal?”
I frowned at him, he was using his professor voice and I didn’t really like it. He caught on quickly and changed his tone. “What the hell are doing in college?”
I pretended the bar still needed to be wiped down—I could see his face soften. Here we go… “You are shy; I would have never guessed that about you.” Since getting married and becoming a mother I have pretty much arrived at the conclusion that I have multiple personality disorder—they are just all high functioning and aware of each other. I needed my hard face.
“You are on my turf, I don’t disrespect you in yours, don’t do it in mine—what are drinking?”
“And the wall goes up, a Newbie.” He was genuinely disappointed that I wasn’t going to let him in my head. I slammed the beer down a little too hard and, Darren grabbed my hand and kissed my palm—it completely unnerved me. So much so that when I saw Shack walking through the door I breathed a sigh of relief. I walked from behind the bar as fast as I could.
In the office I locked the door behind me; Don didn’t even look up from what he was doing. I walked over and straddled him kissing him on the mouth, he didn’t miss a beat and kissed me back gripping my ass and nibbling my lip. I hugged him hard. It wasn’t what I wanted, what I really wanted was to get high so I could cope with that shit Darren just laid on me.
I didn’t want to be a window shopper but I was, the curling of excitement in my belly told me that I was fucked. I told myself to focus on the jewel that I had in my arms, a gift that I was never going to be given again. I systematically and intellectual forced Darren out of my head, I had known him for over a year—he was a recreational drug user (like I was any better), he made out with random women in the bar, his pissed on the sides of buildings, having a Ph.D didn’t change any of that.
My palm burned. “I am going home.” I stood up.
Don knew something was wrong but to his credit he didn’t ask.
I frowned at him, he was using his professor voice and I didn’t really like it. He caught on quickly and changed his tone. “What the hell are doing in college?”
I pretended the bar still needed to be wiped down—I could see his face soften. Here we go… “You are shy; I would have never guessed that about you.” Since getting married and becoming a mother I have pretty much arrived at the conclusion that I have multiple personality disorder—they are just all high functioning and aware of each other. I needed my hard face.
“You are on my turf, I don’t disrespect you in yours, don’t do it in mine—what are drinking?”
“And the wall goes up, a Newbie.” He was genuinely disappointed that I wasn’t going to let him in my head. I slammed the beer down a little too hard and, Darren grabbed my hand and kissed my palm—it completely unnerved me. So much so that when I saw Shack walking through the door I breathed a sigh of relief. I walked from behind the bar as fast as I could.
In the office I locked the door behind me; Don didn’t even look up from what he was doing. I walked over and straddled him kissing him on the mouth, he didn’t miss a beat and kissed me back gripping my ass and nibbling my lip. I hugged him hard. It wasn’t what I wanted, what I really wanted was to get high so I could cope with that shit Darren just laid on me.
I didn’t want to be a window shopper but I was, the curling of excitement in my belly told me that I was fucked. I told myself to focus on the jewel that I had in my arms, a gift that I was never going to be given again. I systematically and intellectual forced Darren out of my head, I had known him for over a year—he was a recreational drug user (like I was any better), he made out with random women in the bar, his pissed on the sides of buildings, having a Ph.D didn’t change any of that.
My palm burned. “I am going home.” I stood up.
Don knew something was wrong but to his credit he didn’t ask.
Friday, March 27, 2009
First Day
What the fuck was I doing here? You have to be kidding me, I was too damn old for this shit. My first thought was that I was going to have to start stocking up on weed to keep me from flipping out of my skull.
I was in goddamn classroom with my legs shoved under a desk with a bunch 18 year olds staring at me. This wasn’t going to work. I thought I would blend, in a lightweight sweater and faded jeans I was trying not to look like a mommy or a wife for that matter—just a girl except I wasn’t a fucking girl I was a woman.
“Hi” I turned to the young man sitting next to me who spoke. Nicely dressed early twenties I bet he was a jack and coke guy.
“Hi” I bit the “I” out. If was I was behind the bar, this conversation would go whole lot smoother. I tried to smile and felt my lip stick to my upper teeth. He bought it though because he beamed back at me like he had just scaled Mount Everest.
I turned my attention back to the front of the class and tried to look comfortable. The class had become so full that they were students left standing looking perturbed. Finally a man entered wearing khakis and a long sleeve dress shirt with one of those horrible jackets with the patches on the elbow.
He looked familiar.
“I am Professor Anderson; this is English 1A if you aren’t in the right class please leave.”
He still hadn’t looked at the class I chuckled wondering who could be stupid enough to be in the wrong class. When several people filed out of the class I stopped laughing. The professor's eyes widen when I laughed and he turned to me.
Fuck—D-Boy was a damn professor? Holy shit I had it in the bag. Darren Anderson (never knew his last name) was one our bar flies. He was covering up nearly full sleeves with that shirt. A quick count in my head I had kicked him out of the bar at least nine times for popping something illegal in his mouth.
This was going to be fun. I had a shit eating grin on my face and winked at the Jack and Coke kid. Bring it on!
I was in goddamn classroom with my legs shoved under a desk with a bunch 18 year olds staring at me. This wasn’t going to work. I thought I would blend, in a lightweight sweater and faded jeans I was trying not to look like a mommy or a wife for that matter—just a girl except I wasn’t a fucking girl I was a woman.
“Hi” I turned to the young man sitting next to me who spoke. Nicely dressed early twenties I bet he was a jack and coke guy.
“Hi” I bit the “I” out. If was I was behind the bar, this conversation would go whole lot smoother. I tried to smile and felt my lip stick to my upper teeth. He bought it though because he beamed back at me like he had just scaled Mount Everest.
I turned my attention back to the front of the class and tried to look comfortable. The class had become so full that they were students left standing looking perturbed. Finally a man entered wearing khakis and a long sleeve dress shirt with one of those horrible jackets with the patches on the elbow.
He looked familiar.
“I am Professor Anderson; this is English 1A if you aren’t in the right class please leave.”
He still hadn’t looked at the class I chuckled wondering who could be stupid enough to be in the wrong class. When several people filed out of the class I stopped laughing. The professor's eyes widen when I laughed and he turned to me.
Fuck—D-Boy was a damn professor? Holy shit I had it in the bag. Darren Anderson (never knew his last name) was one our bar flies. He was covering up nearly full sleeves with that shirt. A quick count in my head I had kicked him out of the bar at least nine times for popping something illegal in his mouth.
This was going to be fun. I had a shit eating grin on my face and winked at the Jack and Coke kid. Bring it on!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Just a little Bombay.
Pricilla and Jane agreed to keep Dylan for an hour while I buried my misery in glass. I ordered Bombay on the rocks and after my first sip the vision of my baby smiling at me stopped me from knocking it back and ordering another.
I drank willing the tension leave my body; I counted in my head 100, sip, 200 sip. I would swear I had a demon if I believed in that kind of thing. A demon that wanted me to hit the road, the only problem was in my vision there was no Dylan. I wiped away a tear before the bartender could notice.
My misery was nothing more than boredom; this life was not what I had envisioned. I think my dreams died with my father and my only goal was to have fun. Shit, was I actually thinking about this?
Early the next morning:
“I need to go back to school”
Don stiffened in the bed next to me.
“What?” he reached over turning on the light and put his glasses on.
“I need to do something with my life, set an example for Dylan.”
“OK, what do you want to do?”
“I have no idea” I giggled, it was nerves more than anything.
I just needed a distraction.
I drank willing the tension leave my body; I counted in my head 100, sip, 200 sip. I would swear I had a demon if I believed in that kind of thing. A demon that wanted me to hit the road, the only problem was in my vision there was no Dylan. I wiped away a tear before the bartender could notice.
My misery was nothing more than boredom; this life was not what I had envisioned. I think my dreams died with my father and my only goal was to have fun. Shit, was I actually thinking about this?
Early the next morning:
“I need to go back to school”
Don stiffened in the bed next to me.
“What?” he reached over turning on the light and put his glasses on.
“I need to do something with my life, set an example for Dylan.”
“OK, what do you want to do?”
“I have no idea” I giggled, it was nerves more than anything.
I just needed a distraction.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I am whore.
I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me, but James was like a drug. No matter how much I tried to focus on Don, who I loved, adored and cherished, my babies father was drawing me in like crack.
Priscilla was from a broken home, grew up poor and preferred fighting to making love. When I started crying she had pulled me in by the back of my neck and kissed me. "Babe, those men are going to kill you." I couldn't help but laugh... she was still trying to recruit me.
I took some solace, lying next to her in bed with her baby girl. Dylan was with his James, James...I couldn't stand to call him "biological" as if what we had done was nothing more than an experiment.
I could taste him, on my lips every time I kissed Dylan, smell him. I fought it but suddenly I wasn’t sure how much longer I could resist him. He didn’t even want me, he had walked away from me after that first and only time. Shit.
“Hey baby, I need to drop Dylan off early.”
“OK” My heart skipped a beat, Don was at the bar already.
“I have a date.” I could damn near hear him smiling.
“What the fuck?” Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
I told Pricilla to stay put. Put my coat on and hit the street searching for a cab.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friends and Family
It was no secret that I was crap at the family and friends deal. I was defensive, overly sensitive and had a way of letting insults fly out of my mouth. The older Dylan got the more I started to return to being my old self. Part of me was already afraid of the kid leaving me—then I would think of my mother and knew that letting him go would be the best thing I could do for both of us when the time came.
Winter had come to San Francisco, the miserable bone cold rain, the fog and the smell of mold in any building over fifty years old…including our little Chateau. Don had found it first, some scary Chupacabra shit that was growing behind the toilet of the guest bathroom. It was the color of human flesh and reached out like tendrils daring you to sit on the crapper.
Don had the cleaning service scrub the offending wall only to find that hours later it was back. Now he was shaking his head while environmental inspectors ticked a list off of what would need to be done to the house. Meanwhile, thanks to the location and age of the house a San Francisco Historical Preservation Society Matron, was standing buy saying what could and couldn’t be done to the molding and wainscoting.
The cleanup was going to cost him a small fortune and we were suddenly homeless. After four days in an overpriced hotel, the kid who spent a good deal of life in poverty came out in me and we moved in with Pricilla and Jane. It didn’t last long, especially since Priscilla was about to pop and kill someone.
Finally a friend of Don’s had suggested we stay in his loft while he was in Belize or somewhere else I had never heard of. The loft was a maze of childhood treachery, spiral staircase, hard metal and cement edges. I refused to go up the stairs with Dylan and ended up buying a folding bed to sleep on in the living room. It was miserable so when Jane invited us to a Barbeque in Dublin I couldn’t refuse, I had to get out of Bachelor hell anywhere I could and being able to take the baby was a bonus.
It was time to eat my words or thoughts as they were, Dylan was gurgling and happy on Don’s lap while I stared at people that I thought that Jane would never associate with. They were preppy, lived in condo on a golf course and talked about golfing and tennis like it was a required social skill.
I tired to focus on the glass of wine in my hand while Jane sat holding Pricilla’s hand in a death grip and smiling. Both women were dressed in wrap dresses, tights and boots. My lip curled at their treachery.
“So you own a bar?”
Jane’s father looked at Don who smiled back at him.
“Yes.”
“What’s it called again?”
“The Pink Puss-E” Priscilla bit out through clenched teeth.
I turned and looked at her my face obscured by the wine glass and mouthed.
“You bitch” and took a sip of wine.
Priscilla’s lip curled into a smile. Just this morning she had assured me that this was a casual get together. Little did I know it was the first time Jane’s parents were being introduced to Jane’s girlfriend and the mother of her child.
The doorbell rang and everyone let out a collective sigh at the distraction, until I saw who the distraction was. James walked in looking gaunt, I looked down suddenly conflicted not because of the awkward explanation of his relation to the little group but because my heart leapt when I saw him. Dylan pumped his legs harder in excitement at his fathers’ deep drawl.
I chided myself…”he is the father of your child you are always going to be emotional about him…get a grip” I said the last out loud and didn’t mean to.
Jane caught my distress and rose. “Savannah why don’t’ you help me in the kitchen.”
In the kitchen Jane turned on me “Do you love him.”
“Yes” I blurted it out before I thought about it.
“Wait, who?” Jane smiled “James” she said as she started popping raspberry and brie hors devours on a baking sheet.
“Oh” I shook my head like I needed to clear it, even though I knew exactly who she was referring to.
“Of course I do, he is the father of my child.” I thought it sounded good and apparently Jane did to because she smiled. “I am sorry I tricked you.” She kissed me on the cheek then donned and oven mitt and popped the tray into the oven.
Jane made herself another Mojito and headed back into the fray, I wasn’t sure this party could get any worse. Apparently a few other close friends were invited to show up but had politely declined.
When the doorbell rang again I prayed that it was the police saying that we needed to evacuate. Instead I heard the dulcet tone of Raymond, a transplant from West Africa, via England. His accent had picked up the indigenous harmonies of his parents home and the posh sounds of British aristocrats.
His mother was a personal assistant to a wealthy textile tycoon and Raymond had spent his days surrounded by children with the plumiest of accents at the best schools. In London he was a well known footballer at one point. In San Francisco, he was gay interior designer and Jane’s boss.
I took a deep breath and walked out to greet the new guest and walked smack into James. I forced a smile.
“How are you doing? You look thin.”
“I am doing good, it was nice to be with the family.”
“Was it?” James smiled a little mournfully.
“I like your sister tremendously.” My smile was genuine as I relaxed a little.
“She spoke highly of you as well and is already planning on Dylan spending his vacations from school in New Orleans.” I frowned.
“Maybe in High School” James laughed and I took the opportunity to scoot past him.
Pricilla was holding Dylan looking at him like he was going to explode. Dylan was slobbering all over her and laughing about it.
It took me a second to notice that both Jane and Don were missing, while Raymond chatted freely with the rents’ my instinct told me not to go looking for them so I sat down.
Was this it? I thought to myself as I looked around the room.Married, with a baby from a former lover and Lesbians as my best friends?
I knew I was nuts every time I got the feeling to run away from it all. To go back to taking whatever drug I could get my hands on and cheap booze, I was lucky I wasn’t in a ditch. Even still I couldn’t help but feel that there was a part of me who didn’t want to be happy because that little part of me knew that I would be broken if anything happened to my family.
Winter had come to San Francisco, the miserable bone cold rain, the fog and the smell of mold in any building over fifty years old…including our little Chateau. Don had found it first, some scary Chupacabra shit that was growing behind the toilet of the guest bathroom. It was the color of human flesh and reached out like tendrils daring you to sit on the crapper.
Don had the cleaning service scrub the offending wall only to find that hours later it was back. Now he was shaking his head while environmental inspectors ticked a list off of what would need to be done to the house. Meanwhile, thanks to the location and age of the house a San Francisco Historical Preservation Society Matron, was standing buy saying what could and couldn’t be done to the molding and wainscoting.
The cleanup was going to cost him a small fortune and we were suddenly homeless. After four days in an overpriced hotel, the kid who spent a good deal of life in poverty came out in me and we moved in with Pricilla and Jane. It didn’t last long, especially since Priscilla was about to pop and kill someone.
Finally a friend of Don’s had suggested we stay in his loft while he was in Belize or somewhere else I had never heard of. The loft was a maze of childhood treachery, spiral staircase, hard metal and cement edges. I refused to go up the stairs with Dylan and ended up buying a folding bed to sleep on in the living room. It was miserable so when Jane invited us to a Barbeque in Dublin I couldn’t refuse, I had to get out of Bachelor hell anywhere I could and being able to take the baby was a bonus.
It was time to eat my words or thoughts as they were, Dylan was gurgling and happy on Don’s lap while I stared at people that I thought that Jane would never associate with. They were preppy, lived in condo on a golf course and talked about golfing and tennis like it was a required social skill.
I tired to focus on the glass of wine in my hand while Jane sat holding Pricilla’s hand in a death grip and smiling. Both women were dressed in wrap dresses, tights and boots. My lip curled at their treachery.
“So you own a bar?”
Jane’s father looked at Don who smiled back at him.
“Yes.”
“What’s it called again?”
“The Pink Puss-E” Priscilla bit out through clenched teeth.
I turned and looked at her my face obscured by the wine glass and mouthed.
“You bitch” and took a sip of wine.
Priscilla’s lip curled into a smile. Just this morning she had assured me that this was a casual get together. Little did I know it was the first time Jane’s parents were being introduced to Jane’s girlfriend and the mother of her child.
The doorbell rang and everyone let out a collective sigh at the distraction, until I saw who the distraction was. James walked in looking gaunt, I looked down suddenly conflicted not because of the awkward explanation of his relation to the little group but because my heart leapt when I saw him. Dylan pumped his legs harder in excitement at his fathers’ deep drawl.
I chided myself…”he is the father of your child you are always going to be emotional about him…get a grip” I said the last out loud and didn’t mean to.
Jane caught my distress and rose. “Savannah why don’t’ you help me in the kitchen.”
In the kitchen Jane turned on me “Do you love him.”
“Yes” I blurted it out before I thought about it.
“Wait, who?” Jane smiled “James” she said as she started popping raspberry and brie hors devours on a baking sheet.
“Oh” I shook my head like I needed to clear it, even though I knew exactly who she was referring to.
“Of course I do, he is the father of my child.” I thought it sounded good and apparently Jane did to because she smiled. “I am sorry I tricked you.” She kissed me on the cheek then donned and oven mitt and popped the tray into the oven.
Jane made herself another Mojito and headed back into the fray, I wasn’t sure this party could get any worse. Apparently a few other close friends were invited to show up but had politely declined.
When the doorbell rang again I prayed that it was the police saying that we needed to evacuate. Instead I heard the dulcet tone of Raymond, a transplant from West Africa, via England. His accent had picked up the indigenous harmonies of his parents home and the posh sounds of British aristocrats.
His mother was a personal assistant to a wealthy textile tycoon and Raymond had spent his days surrounded by children with the plumiest of accents at the best schools. In London he was a well known footballer at one point. In San Francisco, he was gay interior designer and Jane’s boss.
I took a deep breath and walked out to greet the new guest and walked smack into James. I forced a smile.
“How are you doing? You look thin.”
“I am doing good, it was nice to be with the family.”
“Was it?” James smiled a little mournfully.
“I like your sister tremendously.” My smile was genuine as I relaxed a little.
“She spoke highly of you as well and is already planning on Dylan spending his vacations from school in New Orleans.” I frowned.
“Maybe in High School” James laughed and I took the opportunity to scoot past him.
Pricilla was holding Dylan looking at him like he was going to explode. Dylan was slobbering all over her and laughing about it.
It took me a second to notice that both Jane and Don were missing, while Raymond chatted freely with the rents’ my instinct told me not to go looking for them so I sat down.
Was this it? I thought to myself as I looked around the room.Married, with a baby from a former lover and Lesbians as my best friends?
I knew I was nuts every time I got the feeling to run away from it all. To go back to taking whatever drug I could get my hands on and cheap booze, I was lucky I wasn’t in a ditch. Even still I couldn’t help but feel that there was a part of me who didn’t want to be happy because that little part of me knew that I would be broken if anything happened to my family.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Times Up!
James was staying in New Orleans. Part of me was glad that he would be gone and the other part of me wanted to plead with him not to ditch his son while he got his head together. Don and I were actually discussing moving here, I wanted to buy a small B&B and run it and then the Nugget could stay with me all of the time. We both decided to wait until things were a little less emotional to make a decision, plus there was the small fact that I couldn’t cook and didn’t know anything about lavender scented sheets and the niceties that went along with running a B&B.
Charlie and I had said our goodbyes yesterday. He promised to come visit and I promised the same. I shook of the feeling that I would never see him again. The last time I felt that way was when I was twelve. My grandmother had been in the hospital, I had to go back to school and she had asked me to filch some more Jello for her. She thanked me, kissed me and said “bye suga”. Something made me turn and look and she was looking right back at me her eyes soft over her Jello but it was like she was telling me that this was the last time and she urged me to keep going without opening her mouth. She slipped into a coma the next day and never regained consciousness.
Don knew what I was thinking and assured me we would be back and everything would be ok.
Back in San Francisco
When we touched down I don’t know what came over me. It was like an umbilical was tethered to me it had enough room in the plan but know it was tight, it was yanking me back. I hesitated at the curb, as Don loaded our bags into a Super Shuttle Van. Don urged me forward. I fished my cell phone out to call Charlie then chided myself. I dialed James instead.
“Come back to me.” was all he said when he answered. “Glad to hear you are ok.” I hung the phone up quickly, closed my eyes and imagined the umbilical snapping free from my belly and dissolving. I sighed with relief and climbed into the van.
“I think I am going to go to work tonight.” Don just smiled at me. “You can’t sit still for a minute can you? You have been on a plane for five hours.” I leaned over and kissed, Dylan chuckled making us both laugh.
Later that night.
At the Pink Pussy my skin tingled with excitement, I loved being at the Bar. I was dolled up in black custom made bustier with a red flower tucked in the back of ponytail. I had defiantly been hanging out in this place too long I was actually itching to get a tattoo. A portrait of Dylan.
I was lost in the thought when a blonde frat boy sidled up to the bar. Or at least I thought that is what he was. When he made direct eye contact with me unwavering and asked for an AMF I thought again. He was in his thirties, dressed preppy casual… drug dealer? As long as he wasn’t making deals in the bar, I really didn’t care. Two years ago I would have been buying from him.
“Are you Savannah?” My skin went from tingling to crawling. My back was to him when he asked the question. Fucking process server? I turned back to him “Yes”. I slid the drink across to him and laid my tits on the bar crossing my arms in front of me in a relaxed position. “What can I do for you?” He raised an eyebrow. “Wow, well that is a loaded question.” He extended his hand. “My name is Guy?” I shook it. “I know, I know, it’s cheesy.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.” I was still waiting for what the hell he wanted.
He must have heard my thoughts and answered. “Nothing, my friend just told me I should check you out the next time I was in town.”
“I see and your friend is?” Guy drank a generous gulp of his AMF.
“No one, just another “Guy” to you but he thought you were hot enough that I should make the trip”
Guy through a ten dollar tip on the table, “It was worth it", he looked me in the eye then at my breasts and turned and walked away.
For a minute my head swelled. “I’m famous”
“What?” Don had snuck up behind me again.
I chuckled as I made another Cock Sucker for the birthday boy at the end of the bar.
Charlie and I had said our goodbyes yesterday. He promised to come visit and I promised the same. I shook of the feeling that I would never see him again. The last time I felt that way was when I was twelve. My grandmother had been in the hospital, I had to go back to school and she had asked me to filch some more Jello for her. She thanked me, kissed me and said “bye suga”. Something made me turn and look and she was looking right back at me her eyes soft over her Jello but it was like she was telling me that this was the last time and she urged me to keep going without opening her mouth. She slipped into a coma the next day and never regained consciousness.
Don knew what I was thinking and assured me we would be back and everything would be ok.
Back in San Francisco
When we touched down I don’t know what came over me. It was like an umbilical was tethered to me it had enough room in the plan but know it was tight, it was yanking me back. I hesitated at the curb, as Don loaded our bags into a Super Shuttle Van. Don urged me forward. I fished my cell phone out to call Charlie then chided myself. I dialed James instead.
“Come back to me.” was all he said when he answered. “Glad to hear you are ok.” I hung the phone up quickly, closed my eyes and imagined the umbilical snapping free from my belly and dissolving. I sighed with relief and climbed into the van.
“I think I am going to go to work tonight.” Don just smiled at me. “You can’t sit still for a minute can you? You have been on a plane for five hours.” I leaned over and kissed, Dylan chuckled making us both laugh.
Later that night.
At the Pink Pussy my skin tingled with excitement, I loved being at the Bar. I was dolled up in black custom made bustier with a red flower tucked in the back of ponytail. I had defiantly been hanging out in this place too long I was actually itching to get a tattoo. A portrait of Dylan.
I was lost in the thought when a blonde frat boy sidled up to the bar. Or at least I thought that is what he was. When he made direct eye contact with me unwavering and asked for an AMF I thought again. He was in his thirties, dressed preppy casual… drug dealer? As long as he wasn’t making deals in the bar, I really didn’t care. Two years ago I would have been buying from him.
“Are you Savannah?” My skin went from tingling to crawling. My back was to him when he asked the question. Fucking process server? I turned back to him “Yes”. I slid the drink across to him and laid my tits on the bar crossing my arms in front of me in a relaxed position. “What can I do for you?” He raised an eyebrow. “Wow, well that is a loaded question.” He extended his hand. “My name is Guy?” I shook it. “I know, I know, it’s cheesy.” I shrugged. “It is what it is.” I was still waiting for what the hell he wanted.
He must have heard my thoughts and answered. “Nothing, my friend just told me I should check you out the next time I was in town.”
“I see and your friend is?” Guy drank a generous gulp of his AMF.
“No one, just another “Guy” to you but he thought you were hot enough that I should make the trip”
Guy through a ten dollar tip on the table, “It was worth it", he looked me in the eye then at my breasts and turned and walked away.
For a minute my head swelled. “I’m famous”
“What?” Don had snuck up behind me again.
I chuckled as I made another Cock Sucker for the birthday boy at the end of the bar.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Bleeding Heart
It was nearly four and the morning, Charlie and I just couldn’t seem to
talk enough. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him. Years of constantly moving around had taught me to compartmentalize my feelings, and Charlie was no exception. I think the day I left the city, I tucked him away for safe keeping but it was all coming back.
“Should we wait for the sun?” Charlie smiled it me and took another sip of club soda that had probably lost its fizz hours ago. I looked out into the darkness, New Orleans was never quiet. Right now deliveries were being made, cats were mewling to be let in out of the predawn cold and somewhere in the distance the Café Du Monde was greeting the first new customers of the day, the people who actually went to sleep last night.
“Eh let’s go to the café Charlie.” I did my best imitation of a Cajun accent. He smiled and stood up. I had temporarily moved Charlie into the second bedroom of our suite; I didn’t want to loose sight of him at the moment.
When I entered the bedroom I knew that Don was awake, I could feel it. It was like static electricity over my skin. I sat down next to him and leaned over him, kissing him twice. I don’t know what came over me, I started crying. Don wiped my eyes.
“I know, I love you too.” I kissed him again and sucked up my tears.
“Charlie and I are going to Café Du Monde, can I bring you anything?”
I ate enough beneigts to last a lifetime but I still wasn’t full. The city flowed through me as I sat across from Charlie in silence. It was easier to leave after connecting with Charlie. Charlie’s eyebrows rose as I took several deep breaths.
“Troubled?” Charlie bit into a fresh pastry.
“I am worried about James, he isn’t a happy man and weather he agrees with me or not his son can sense it.” I sipped my coffee.
“What happened between you anyway?” I smiled over my coffee cup.
Charlie held his hands up. “Do I want to know?” I laughed.
“James and I met shortly after I landed in San Francisco, we hooked up, that should have been the end of the story but instead we had a baby?”
“Good time gone wrong?” I thought about it.
“Not at all, I don’t think I would be married if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he completely changed my life.”
“The baby or James.” I smiled at the question.
“Both, I suppose.”
Charlie twirled a plastic stirrer in his hand. “The man’s mother just died, give him some time.”
“He wasn’t happy before that Charlie, he had a uptight woman in his life that seemed to bring him about as much joy as a pillow over his face. He keeps trying to make moves on me.”
Charlie looked at me with a question.
“No, I haven’t accepted them; I love Don…too much I think.”
Charlie looked at me “I know what you mean.”
talk enough. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him. Years of constantly moving around had taught me to compartmentalize my feelings, and Charlie was no exception. I think the day I left the city, I tucked him away for safe keeping but it was all coming back.“Should we wait for the sun?” Charlie smiled it me and took another sip of club soda that had probably lost its fizz hours ago. I looked out into the darkness, New Orleans was never quiet. Right now deliveries were being made, cats were mewling to be let in out of the predawn cold and somewhere in the distance the Café Du Monde was greeting the first new customers of the day, the people who actually went to sleep last night.
“Eh let’s go to the café Charlie.” I did my best imitation of a Cajun accent. He smiled and stood up. I had temporarily moved Charlie into the second bedroom of our suite; I didn’t want to loose sight of him at the moment.
When I entered the bedroom I knew that Don was awake, I could feel it. It was like static electricity over my skin. I sat down next to him and leaned over him, kissing him twice. I don’t know what came over me, I started crying. Don wiped my eyes.
“I know, I love you too.” I kissed him again and sucked up my tears.
“Charlie and I are going to Café Du Monde, can I bring you anything?”
I ate enough beneigts to last a lifetime but I still wasn’t full. The city flowed through me as I sat across from Charlie in silence. It was easier to leave after connecting with Charlie. Charlie’s eyebrows rose as I took several deep breaths.
“Troubled?” Charlie bit into a fresh pastry.
“I am worried about James, he isn’t a happy man and weather he agrees with me or not his son can sense it.” I sipped my coffee.
“What happened between you anyway?” I smiled over my coffee cup.
Charlie held his hands up. “Do I want to know?” I laughed.
“James and I met shortly after I landed in San Francisco, we hooked up, that should have been the end of the story but instead we had a baby?”
“Good time gone wrong?” I thought about it.
“Not at all, I don’t think I would be married if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, he completely changed my life.”
“The baby or James.” I smiled at the question.
“Both, I suppose.”
Charlie twirled a plastic stirrer in his hand. “The man’s mother just died, give him some time.”
“He wasn’t happy before that Charlie, he had a uptight woman in his life that seemed to bring him about as much joy as a pillow over his face. He keeps trying to make moves on me.”
Charlie looked at me with a question.
“No, I haven’t accepted them; I love Don…too much I think.”
Charlie looked at me “I know what you mean.”
Monday, December 10, 2007
New Orleans
I was dreading it. This is where my last significant relationship had begun and ended. I loved this town, the way it smelled the pulse of the people the gritty underbelly that I loved to scratch. New Orleans should be my name, when I stepped out of the airport with Dylan, Don and James the cities vibration overtook me and I couldn’t help but smile.
Mother Pearl had died yesterday evening with no pomp and circumstance. James father had only found out five days prior that his wife was dying; with no time to adjust he had simply gone into shock. James was petrified of what he would find, I felt at peace.
The next day as we followed the funeral procession on foot I watched James with his family. His sister was holding Dylan in almost a manic way to her chest while her own son walked by her side. James had his arm around her but every once and awhile would wipe the tears from his face.
He was all alone—in the middle of his family he was alone. I gripped Don’s hand harder. Don reacted by kissing my cheek and wrapping his arm around my waist. Eventually I was going to have to come clean with James that I knew his mother was dying before he did. I had hours of tape and notes about his family, things that he probably didn’t know.
I heard the band change from the morose lament that curled up your spine to the jazzy jubilation that accompanies the body to it’s final resting place. This was for Mother Pearl it was no longer about the rest of us. Don unconsciously tapped my waist to the rhythm and I stopped worrying about James, he would find his way.
When we crossed the threshold of the cemetery a familiar face stood at the entrance in a pair of coveralls holding a broom. His eyes lit up but he hesitated to say hello, I disengaged from Don and walked to him and his open arms. My uncle Charlie was a drifter but had settled in New Orleans some years ago and was around when I still lived here. He was 67, and looked better than my father did in his thirties. He had never touched drugs or alcohol but the death of his young wife had made him a bit crazy before I was even born.
Charlie laughed almost too loud holding me closely. It had never failed; we have always found each other like this. One night he picked me up out of the gutter after I passed out, another time I had gone into the library to escape the humidity and found him surrounding by books on bugs and now at the cemetery gates. He was my unlikely companion in the city, while I never felt lonely I always had a certain longing for family that Charlie filled.
Don interrupted by coughing softly.
“Don, this is Uncle Charlie on my fathers side. Charlie this is my Don, my husband.”
I don’t know why it came out like that. ‘Don, my husband” sounded awkward ringing back in my ears.
“Pleasure,” Charlie and dawn shook hand vigorously. Charlie was obviously pleased with the news his smile got even larger.
“You better get in side kid, I will find you when I get out.” He waved us through the cemetery gates. Don and I had to nearly jog to catch up to the procession. I bit my lip to hide my joy but it was obvious to Don who smirked.
I felt as though James was watching me but I refused to look at him, I knew my heart would sink and I didn’t want to let this moment go.
…
I knew I could escape greeting the family at James’ childhood home. Which should have been turned into a bed and breakfast decades ago, the Plantation stunk of old money and misdeeds, it was gorgeous.
Not willing to loose sight of Uncle Charlie I had pleaded with him to come to the house when I realized I could be stuck for hours. He agreed and showed up wearing a suit that was slightly out of style but made him look even more handsome.
I could see him walking down the driveway with flowers and I realized that I hadn’t even told him about Dylan, who was in the clutches of his fathers family still. I sat on the porch swing waiting, escaping. I held an untouched mint julep in my hand that Don had made when he got suckered into playing bartender.
James stepped out of the house but didn’t see me at first. He stared in the distance and lit up a cigarette. When he did see me, he flicked his ash on the pristine white porch and blew smoke out of his nose. The door opened behind him.
“Put that out.” his sister was holding Dylan and was attempting to at last pass him off.
“I will take him.” I stood and hurried toward the nugget who was two seconds away from crying. His lip quivered but when I tucked him into my arm and held me momentarily to my neck he calmed down.
Charlie was mounting the steps and I realized I was going to do some fast talking. He kissed me, James looked at me confused.
“James, this is my Uncle Charlie. Charlie, this is James, the father of my son Dylan.” Wow it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Charlie refrained from chuckling, instead he looked at James. “James, I think we should call her Cat, because she always manages to land on our feet.” James smiled slightly and nodded before asking be excused.
I looked at Charlie apologetically, “His mother was the one who died.” Charlie smiled. “I know Sugar, these folks are famous round here.” I rolled my eyes and ushered Charlie to the porch swing.
Mother Pearl had died yesterday evening with no pomp and circumstance. James father had only found out five days prior that his wife was dying; with no time to adjust he had simply gone into shock. James was petrified of what he would find, I felt at peace.
The next day as we followed the funeral procession on foot I watched James with his family. His sister was holding Dylan in almost a manic way to her chest while her own son walked by her side. James had his arm around her but every once and awhile would wipe the tears from his face.
He was all alone—in the middle of his family he was alone. I gripped Don’s hand harder. Don reacted by kissing my cheek and wrapping his arm around my waist. Eventually I was going to have to come clean with James that I knew his mother was dying before he did. I had hours of tape and notes about his family, things that he probably didn’t know.
I heard the band change from the morose lament that curled up your spine to the jazzy jubilation that accompanies the body to it’s final resting place. This was for Mother Pearl it was no longer about the rest of us. Don unconsciously tapped my waist to the rhythm and I stopped worrying about James, he would find his way.
When we crossed the threshold of the cemetery a familiar face stood at the entrance in a pair of coveralls holding a broom. His eyes lit up but he hesitated to say hello, I disengaged from Don and walked to him and his open arms. My uncle Charlie was a drifter but had settled in New Orleans some years ago and was around when I still lived here. He was 67, and looked better than my father did in his thirties. He had never touched drugs or alcohol but the death of his young wife had made him a bit crazy before I was even born.
Charlie laughed almost too loud holding me closely. It had never failed; we have always found each other like this. One night he picked me up out of the gutter after I passed out, another time I had gone into the library to escape the humidity and found him surrounding by books on bugs and now at the cemetery gates. He was my unlikely companion in the city, while I never felt lonely I always had a certain longing for family that Charlie filled.
Don interrupted by coughing softly.
“Don, this is Uncle Charlie on my fathers side. Charlie this is my Don, my husband.”
I don’t know why it came out like that. ‘Don, my husband” sounded awkward ringing back in my ears.
“Pleasure,” Charlie and dawn shook hand vigorously. Charlie was obviously pleased with the news his smile got even larger.
“You better get in side kid, I will find you when I get out.” He waved us through the cemetery gates. Don and I had to nearly jog to catch up to the procession. I bit my lip to hide my joy but it was obvious to Don who smirked.
I felt as though James was watching me but I refused to look at him, I knew my heart would sink and I didn’t want to let this moment go.
…
I knew I could escape greeting the family at James’ childhood home. Which should have been turned into a bed and breakfast decades ago, the Plantation stunk of old money and misdeeds, it was gorgeous.
Not willing to loose sight of Uncle Charlie I had pleaded with him to come to the house when I realized I could be stuck for hours. He agreed and showed up wearing a suit that was slightly out of style but made him look even more handsome.
I could see him walking down the driveway with flowers and I realized that I hadn’t even told him about Dylan, who was in the clutches of his fathers family still. I sat on the porch swing waiting, escaping. I held an untouched mint julep in my hand that Don had made when he got suckered into playing bartender.
James stepped out of the house but didn’t see me at first. He stared in the distance and lit up a cigarette. When he did see me, he flicked his ash on the pristine white porch and blew smoke out of his nose. The door opened behind him.
“Put that out.” his sister was holding Dylan and was attempting to at last pass him off.
“I will take him.” I stood and hurried toward the nugget who was two seconds away from crying. His lip quivered but when I tucked him into my arm and held me momentarily to my neck he calmed down.
Charlie was mounting the steps and I realized I was going to do some fast talking. He kissed me, James looked at me confused.
“James, this is my Uncle Charlie. Charlie, this is James, the father of my son Dylan.” Wow it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Charlie refrained from chuckling, instead he looked at James. “James, I think we should call her Cat, because she always manages to land on our feet.” James smiled slightly and nodded before asking be excused.
I looked at Charlie apologetically, “His mother was the one who died.” Charlie smiled. “I know Sugar, these folks are famous round here.” I rolled my eyes and ushered Charlie to the porch swing.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Kill Me Now
Lunch, Brunch or whatever the fuck you wanted to call it was not going well. If my high-heel could have found a hard surface it would be clicking a rapid beat on the floor. As it was my knee had hit the table twice, startling James’s mother. How do I get myself into these situations? Oh right, I get drunk and have sex with someone that I picked up in bar.
James was occupied with the Nugget who tried to walk this morning—he would bloody be in his right mind to run away from me. James’ momma was a true Southern Belle, while I was just blue collar trash. For some reason I found it difficult not to slip into my accent that I had rid myself of so long ago—but something about the way she said Savannah.
Mother Pearl, as she wanted to be called was dumped into my lap, two days ago I didn’t know she existed. Apparently this woman had no love for Ann Marie and James wanted to make up for his bride to be shortcomings with the mother of his child. She eyed me up and down, when I skipped the second round of mimosas and started knocking Gin Gimlets, I thought I saw her smile.
“Savannah, now where did you say you were from again?” Can I roll my eyes now?
“From Georgia, ma’am.” I did my best not to drawl and I was pulling it off.
“And what did you say your family did.” What a bitch.
“My father was into drinking, so much so that it killed him. My mother, well she is just a fuck-up all around who has a different boyfriend every week and a different excuse for why her life is so bad.”
James nearly pissed his pants—who would have known he was a mommas boy. I was just thankful that he wasn’t her oldest—if James were her oldest that bat would have crucified and James staked through the balls for his indiscretions. He was saved by the fact that his older brothers married proper southern woman and had their families traditionally.
Jesus. It was 12:37 and I was sitting in restaurant over looking the San Francisco Bay, I had choked down Oysters Rockefeller and now was staring down lobster quiche and green salad. The nugget looked at me and laughed—he had been doing that a lot. He found something about me hilarious, he was clapping his hands and throwing his head back against James.
“Mamamama”
I smiled, the little bugger was smart. I couldn’t wait for him to talk—I was lost in the image of Dylan the college student when Mother Pearl interrupted.
“So your husband owns, a bar?” She curled her lip when she said it.
“Yes, it’s called the Pink Pussy and I work there three nights a week as a bartender.”
“Oh, and does that pay well?” I was going to stick it to this elitist Ole Miss bitch.
“It pays quite well Mother Pearl… I was thinking—you have to see my home before you leave.”
She looked frightened and James scolded me. She had found his living accommodations to be less than satisfactory but as marketing VP she calculated that he made more money an d my house would be deplorable.
Across the bay…
I was bringing Mother Pearl a glass of water, the Nugget was down for a nap and I was praying that Don would come home. James made his excuses—which was he had to check on Ann Marie who didn’t know I would be at the brunch. I kicked off my shoes and watched as she marveled and Don’s random collection of valuables. It wasn’t my shit but what the hell did she know.
I frowned at my pantyhose; there was a hole in the toe. Without thinking I tucked my thumbs into the waistband under my dress and pulled them off. Bunching them up I am sure I had a look of utter pleasure on my face when Mother Pearl turned around. She took a step back as if my bare legs were just to much for her. When I realized it wasn’t me, I turned to find Don standing behind me.
I laughed then made my introductions.
“Don, this is Mother Pearl—James’ mother. Mother Pearl this is Don, my husband.”
Don extended his hand. He was actually dressed very nice in slacks with a button down black dress shirt, he had recently ditched the buddy holly glasses and was sporting some fashionable Dior glasses. He still looked like a thug, and the exposed tattoos didn’t help.
Her mouth was still open when the doorbell rang, then the person impatient stuck their key in the door and walked in. James had key, as did Jane. Something told me it wasn’t James. Jane rounded the corner and Mother Pearls hand fluttered to her chest. She had, had enough I should be nice.
“Mother Pearl, you must be tired would like to rest in one of the guest rooms until James returns?”
“Yes” she stammered.
I walked her upstairs to the frilliest bedroom we had, the walls were hand painted Chinoiserie Silk and hold over from the previous owner. I actually kind of dug it and it seemed to put Mother Pearl at ease. She had the bed, a chaise lounge and a bathroom so I figured she should feel safe for awhile.
As I walked downstairs to greet Don properly and find out what the hell Jane wanted I suddenly had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I trotted back to the Nuggets room and he was sound asleep and fine. Don and Jane were catching up on the couch. The smiled when they saw me but I turned and ran to Mother Pearl’s room.
She was laying on her side with her shoes off as I rounded the bed her face was grey and her eyes were clenched shut in pain. I said her name, it was barely a whisper but her eyes fluttered open and she reached out to me. I crawled on the bed as I took her in my arms her wig fell away—revealing a head only covered in small wisps of blonde hair.
I started crying and I felt panic build inside of me. “Don” my voice was stuck in my throat I swallowed hard but before I could try again she touched my face.
“It’s OK, I’m fine.” I looked down at her face and indeed the color was returning. I was still holding her and for some reason I couldn’t stop crying.
“What?”
“It’s cancer dear, the pains just getting worse that’s all.” She gently pulled herself out my arms and sat up straightening her suit and retrieving her wig.
“I can barely make it through an hour before my body chews through the pain medication. I guess they will want to put me on a drip soon.”
I took in a ragged breath and stopped my tears.
“I guess we have a lot of work to do then.” I retrieved a digital recorder from the office. Mother Pearl looked at it suspiciously.
“What exactly is it that you are doing, love?”
“Recording my sons history.”
She damn near smiled.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell James.” She coughed and made further adjustments to her wig.
“My family doesn’t know.” She looked remorseful.
“Have it your way.”
“Where were your parents born?” I switched on the recorder, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to start.
James was occupied with the Nugget who tried to walk this morning—he would bloody be in his right mind to run away from me. James’ momma was a true Southern Belle, while I was just blue collar trash. For some reason I found it difficult not to slip into my accent that I had rid myself of so long ago—but something about the way she said Savannah.
Mother Pearl, as she wanted to be called was dumped into my lap, two days ago I didn’t know she existed. Apparently this woman had no love for Ann Marie and James wanted to make up for his bride to be shortcomings with the mother of his child. She eyed me up and down, when I skipped the second round of mimosas and started knocking Gin Gimlets, I thought I saw her smile.
“Savannah, now where did you say you were from again?” Can I roll my eyes now?
“From Georgia, ma’am.” I did my best not to drawl and I was pulling it off.
“And what did you say your family did.” What a bitch.
“My father was into drinking, so much so that it killed him. My mother, well she is just a fuck-up all around who has a different boyfriend every week and a different excuse for why her life is so bad.”
James nearly pissed his pants—who would have known he was a mommas boy. I was just thankful that he wasn’t her oldest—if James were her oldest that bat would have crucified and James staked through the balls for his indiscretions. He was saved by the fact that his older brothers married proper southern woman and had their families traditionally.
Jesus. It was 12:37 and I was sitting in restaurant over looking the San Francisco Bay, I had choked down Oysters Rockefeller and now was staring down lobster quiche and green salad. The nugget looked at me and laughed—he had been doing that a lot. He found something about me hilarious, he was clapping his hands and throwing his head back against James.
“Mamamama”
I smiled, the little bugger was smart. I couldn’t wait for him to talk—I was lost in the image of Dylan the college student when Mother Pearl interrupted.
“So your husband owns, a bar?” She curled her lip when she said it.
“Yes, it’s called the Pink Pussy and I work there three nights a week as a bartender.”
“Oh, and does that pay well?” I was going to stick it to this elitist Ole Miss bitch.
“It pays quite well Mother Pearl… I was thinking—you have to see my home before you leave.”
She looked frightened and James scolded me. She had found his living accommodations to be less than satisfactory but as marketing VP she calculated that he made more money an d my house would be deplorable.
Across the bay…
I was bringing Mother Pearl a glass of water, the Nugget was down for a nap and I was praying that Don would come home. James made his excuses—which was he had to check on Ann Marie who didn’t know I would be at the brunch. I kicked off my shoes and watched as she marveled and Don’s random collection of valuables. It wasn’t my shit but what the hell did she know.
I frowned at my pantyhose; there was a hole in the toe. Without thinking I tucked my thumbs into the waistband under my dress and pulled them off. Bunching them up I am sure I had a look of utter pleasure on my face when Mother Pearl turned around. She took a step back as if my bare legs were just to much for her. When I realized it wasn’t me, I turned to find Don standing behind me.
I laughed then made my introductions.
“Don, this is Mother Pearl—James’ mother. Mother Pearl this is Don, my husband.”
Don extended his hand. He was actually dressed very nice in slacks with a button down black dress shirt, he had recently ditched the buddy holly glasses and was sporting some fashionable Dior glasses. He still looked like a thug, and the exposed tattoos didn’t help.
Her mouth was still open when the doorbell rang, then the person impatient stuck their key in the door and walked in. James had key, as did Jane. Something told me it wasn’t James. Jane rounded the corner and Mother Pearls hand fluttered to her chest. She had, had enough I should be nice.
“Mother Pearl, you must be tired would like to rest in one of the guest rooms until James returns?”
“Yes” she stammered.
I walked her upstairs to the frilliest bedroom we had, the walls were hand painted Chinoiserie Silk and hold over from the previous owner. I actually kind of dug it and it seemed to put Mother Pearl at ease. She had the bed, a chaise lounge and a bathroom so I figured she should feel safe for awhile.
As I walked downstairs to greet Don properly and find out what the hell Jane wanted I suddenly had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I trotted back to the Nuggets room and he was sound asleep and fine. Don and Jane were catching up on the couch. The smiled when they saw me but I turned and ran to Mother Pearl’s room.
She was laying on her side with her shoes off as I rounded the bed her face was grey and her eyes were clenched shut in pain. I said her name, it was barely a whisper but her eyes fluttered open and she reached out to me. I crawled on the bed as I took her in my arms her wig fell away—revealing a head only covered in small wisps of blonde hair.
I started crying and I felt panic build inside of me. “Don” my voice was stuck in my throat I swallowed hard but before I could try again she touched my face.
“It’s OK, I’m fine.” I looked down at her face and indeed the color was returning. I was still holding her and for some reason I couldn’t stop crying.
“What?”
“It’s cancer dear, the pains just getting worse that’s all.” She gently pulled herself out my arms and sat up straightening her suit and retrieving her wig.
“I can barely make it through an hour before my body chews through the pain medication. I guess they will want to put me on a drip soon.”
I took in a ragged breath and stopped my tears.
“I guess we have a lot of work to do then.” I retrieved a digital recorder from the office. Mother Pearl looked at it suspiciously.
“What exactly is it that you are doing, love?”
“Recording my sons history.”
She damn near smiled.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell James.” She coughed and made further adjustments to her wig.
“My family doesn’t know.” She looked remorseful.
“Have it your way.”
“Where were your parents born?” I switched on the recorder, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to start.
Monday, July 23, 2007
प्रेत्तy इन पिंक
When you are a bartender you pray that certain things don’t happen during your shift. Like some drunken asshole deciding to do a striptease on the bar or a girl getting drugged and carried out by a raping sack of shit. The latter happened to me on Thursday.
I am careful with who handles drinks; I watch the crowd and point out losers to the bouncers. The waitresses are not allowed to chat when delivering drinks and when someone sends a drink to girl I walk it over. Somehow, I had missed the signs.
It’s Friday night and the regulars are buzzing. They are pointing fingers at who let the ball drop and every new face that walks in the door is a suspect. Michelle was just a neighborhood girl, she had a neighborhood job and this was her Cheers. Not particularly outgoing she would often leave after a couple of hours or if things got to rowdy.
Last night, she had decided to stay. This morning she woke up in a stranger’s bed, on automatic pilot she dressed called her roommate for help and hunkered in a coffee shop until she came.
The roommate being sensible had called the police despite Michelle’s protests. When I told Drew that I stopped by to see her at the counseling center, he told me that it was probably a bad idea but he was glad that I had.
The police had actually sent someone to the bar to question staff and test the booze that Michelle had been drinking. Giving up two bottles of Crown Royal was no big deal if it caught the bastard, nor was having our office searched.
We weren’t a high-roller hang out but anything is possible. In Vegas, LA, New York and even places in this city. Bartenders were kept on retainer to do the dirty work of rapists. No big deal, a little E to speed up the process, some GHB to make her forget and making that “special drink” taste like there was nothing it in it.
It all made for a handsome under-the-table business. Those men were just as guilty as the cowards who put them up to it and there was a special hell waiting just for them.
I can’t wait for my shift to be over. It’s 8:00PM.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Something told me that the lawyer sitting in front of me wasn’t completely on the up and up, but then again…what lawyer was. He had checked out my tits twice and kept talking to me as if I were a retard. I was wearing my combat clothes, skinny jeans, red platforms and a black in white striped tunic with a wide belt that matched my shoes.
This fucking sucked. A part of me didn’t want to hurt James but the mother part of me knew that Dylan was bonded to…. This morning I had woken up to find Don with the nugget laying on his chest. Dylan was wide awake, looking back at me with those big blue eyes that didn’t have a worry in them. It was almost like he was listening t Don breathe. For a moment I imagined my brain was a camera and I carefully took in the detail and filed it away where it would always be safe, where it would always be mine.
“Do you love your Daddy?” damned if Dylan didn’t smile. The thought of them being separated ripped my heart open and made me pray for my own long life—something that had never occurred to me until now. I guess you could say that until that very moment I had never been afraid to die. Now I was petrified and sitting across from a man who was getting paid 400 dollars an hour to tell me that…would have no legal recourse unless James agreed to it.
Fuck me for doing the right thing. During the taxi ride home I thought of away to approach it. I thought of a way to make James think it was his idea. But then it hit me—I called him and asked him to come over for dinner before I left for the club that night.
To the outsider it probably looked like I was trying to manipulate him, to keep his eyes on my gams so he would loose his focus—but I was just more comfortable if I thought I looked good. I dressed in a black wrap dress that while comfortable hugged my curves and gave me the confidence I needed to ask what I was going to ask.
As I warmed up the corn and mashed potatoes, I thanked God for Safeway. I artfully arranged the pre cooked side dishes and roasted chicken artfully on a large white plate just as James rang the doorbell.
When I opened the door all of my rehearsal went out of the door. He was clean shaven and wearing a button down shirt with jeans. When he crossed the threshold before I could say come in I instinctively took a step back.
“Please.”
It was too late he cupped his hand behind my neck and met lips which were clamped shut. He tried, he nuzzled, probed and left me with a sick feeling that I predicted would take days to shake.
“Savannah, I?”
“You’re bored.” I held up my hand and nudged him away, trying to keep things light.
“Dinners ready, and I have to get to work so come on.” I walked away from him leaving him wondering about what I said. I hoped he didn’t’ think I was playing hard to get.
When he sat down across from me at the table and poked out the chicken I took a deep swig of the Guwurz that I set out for dinner. Sonnofabitch
“I want you to promise me that you will never keep Dylan away from Don.”
James didn’t look up from his food. He poked at it some more.
“I didn’t cook it.”
He smiled and took a large scoop of the potatoes. “Thank God.”
“I’m serious James.”
“You wouldn’t let me.” He ate some of the corn but continued to avoid the chicken.
“I mean if I’m not here.” I looked at my own food and suddenly found it revolting.
James swallowed hard, “are you taking off.”
I smiled at him, he thought I was running again.
“No, I mean if I am dead James.”
The fucker nearly had tears in eyes when he looked at me, I took another sip of my wine and stood up pacing.
“Are you fucking dying?” He pushed his food away.
I stopped mid gulp and laughed.
“No, I am not dying…”
James was bright red, I couldn’t tell what was going on his head.
“What are you getting at then?”
“I mean,” I paused to finish off my glass.
“I mean that if I die, that you will share custody with my husband.”
James shrugged.
“Fuck, OK. I mean I thought you had cancer or some shit.”
He started in on his food and I started shaking.
“You promise on your sons life and happiness?”
“I promise” he had a mouth full of chicken and roll.
“You scared the shit out of me Savannah.” He washed it down with his own wine.
I walked into the kitchen and doubled over with relief. My body shook as if something couldn’t’ escape it. When I finally started to cry it was silent, and painful.
When I finally put myself back together, James had finished his dinner and was waiting to take me to the pink Pussy.
This fucking sucked. A part of me didn’t want to hurt James but the mother part of me knew that Dylan was bonded to…. This morning I had woken up to find Don with the nugget laying on his chest. Dylan was wide awake, looking back at me with those big blue eyes that didn’t have a worry in them. It was almost like he was listening t Don breathe. For a moment I imagined my brain was a camera and I carefully took in the detail and filed it away where it would always be safe, where it would always be mine.
“Do you love your Daddy?” damned if Dylan didn’t smile. The thought of them being separated ripped my heart open and made me pray for my own long life—something that had never occurred to me until now. I guess you could say that until that very moment I had never been afraid to die. Now I was petrified and sitting across from a man who was getting paid 400 dollars an hour to tell me that…would have no legal recourse unless James agreed to it.
Fuck me for doing the right thing. During the taxi ride home I thought of away to approach it. I thought of a way to make James think it was his idea. But then it hit me—I called him and asked him to come over for dinner before I left for the club that night.
To the outsider it probably looked like I was trying to manipulate him, to keep his eyes on my gams so he would loose his focus—but I was just more comfortable if I thought I looked good. I dressed in a black wrap dress that while comfortable hugged my curves and gave me the confidence I needed to ask what I was going to ask.
As I warmed up the corn and mashed potatoes, I thanked God for Safeway. I artfully arranged the pre cooked side dishes and roasted chicken artfully on a large white plate just as James rang the doorbell.
When I opened the door all of my rehearsal went out of the door. He was clean shaven and wearing a button down shirt with jeans. When he crossed the threshold before I could say come in I instinctively took a step back.
“Please.”
It was too late he cupped his hand behind my neck and met lips which were clamped shut. He tried, he nuzzled, probed and left me with a sick feeling that I predicted would take days to shake.
“Savannah, I?”
“You’re bored.” I held up my hand and nudged him away, trying to keep things light.
“Dinners ready, and I have to get to work so come on.” I walked away from him leaving him wondering about what I said. I hoped he didn’t’ think I was playing hard to get.
When he sat down across from me at the table and poked out the chicken I took a deep swig of the Guwurz that I set out for dinner. Sonnofabitch
“I want you to promise me that you will never keep Dylan away from Don.”
James didn’t look up from his food. He poked at it some more.
“I didn’t cook it.”
He smiled and took a large scoop of the potatoes. “Thank God.”
“I’m serious James.”
“You wouldn’t let me.” He ate some of the corn but continued to avoid the chicken.
“I mean if I’m not here.” I looked at my own food and suddenly found it revolting.
James swallowed hard, “are you taking off.”
I smiled at him, he thought I was running again.
“No, I mean if I am dead James.”
The fucker nearly had tears in eyes when he looked at me, I took another sip of my wine and stood up pacing.
“Are you fucking dying?” He pushed his food away.
I stopped mid gulp and laughed.
“No, I am not dying…”
James was bright red, I couldn’t tell what was going on his head.
“What are you getting at then?”
“I mean,” I paused to finish off my glass.
“I mean that if I die, that you will share custody with my husband.”
James shrugged.
“Fuck, OK. I mean I thought you had cancer or some shit.”
He started in on his food and I started shaking.
“You promise on your sons life and happiness?”
“I promise” he had a mouth full of chicken and roll.
“You scared the shit out of me Savannah.” He washed it down with his own wine.
I walked into the kitchen and doubled over with relief. My body shook as if something couldn’t’ escape it. When I finally started to cry it was silent, and painful.
When I finally put myself back together, James had finished his dinner and was waiting to take me to the pink Pussy.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Of all the Gin joints...
With my luck, I should have known that James would have heard about the police paying a visit to the house. He was in was in my face and Don was no where to be found.
“What the fuck happened?”
“Where was Dylan?”
It was like machine gun fire in my ears. I answered his questions as quickly as possible, bristling with indignation that I would ever put our son in harms way, knowing I had done exactly that but letting Dotty into my home.
“I am taking him tonight.” James was so close I felt a light spray on my nose.
“It isn’t your night until tomorrow, but you are welcome to spend time with your son.” I remained calm, reminding myself to breath in and out.
“I can take him anytime I please, he is my child.” His words bit into my nerves, I felt my face grow warm as my body readied for a fight.
“He is your child.” I said it with as much understanding as I could muster. James turned away from me rubbing his forehead.
“Did he hurt you?” It was such a soft whisper that I thought I was hearing things and didn’t answer. Instead I studied the carpeting.
“Savannah, did he hurt you?” I looked up at James who was looking at me with my sons eyes.
“No, I’m fine.” James stepped toward me and started rubbing my arms. I had disarmed him but not raising my voice but I didn’t want his tenderness.
“I don’t know what I would have done with out you.” I looked at the floor again as he pulled me into an embrace, kissing my temple. Not good, I pulled away with the excuse that I had to pack some baby junk for the nugget.
I decided to visit Jane; she had been in a funk lately. Pricilla was miserable and making her feel every minute of it. I still hadn’t found out who the sperm donor was but I knew that they hadn’t gone used modern techniques. I had a suspicion that a gay man was involved—which would make Priscilla the obvious choice to get preggers since she was practically a man herself.
When I arrived at my old digs I didn’t bother to knock, I just made sure I called out before I saw something I didn’t want to see. It didn’t always work, I found Jane sitting on the couch clutching a pillow. Her eyes were swollen and she was either ready to have a downpour or had just finished one.
I sat down next to her and put my arm around her.
“Jesus.” I looked at the TV. “What are you watching?”
She looked at me incredulously, “It’s Casablanca.”
“Oh, I have heard of that one.” I succeeded in making Jane laugh, she put her head on my shoulder and continued to watch the film.
Something had been weighing on me since James had proffered his affection earlier. I realized that Don had no legal rights to Dylan, even though he loved him and cared for him as a father. Shit
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Take two of these and call me in the morning.
I woke up in the back of an ambulance with a oxygen mask being held over my face.
Fuck
I sat up abruptly immediately becoming dizzy. The ambulance door was still open, I tried to get of the stretcher but the EMT pushed me back down.
“Relax, you need to take a ride to the hospital to check out that noggin.”
I laid back down because there wasn’t really anything else I could do. I was dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up.
“I need to call my husband.”
“I will take care of that.” The police officer from the stairs stepped into the ambulance.
“What's his number?” He looked at his cell phone ready to dial.
He handed the phone to me after he dialed.
“Hey I was just about to call you to see how it went.” Don was calm as usual as if what I was about to tell him wouldn’t even disturb his frame of mind.
“Not so good…” I began.
I kept it brief as possible in attempt not to incriminate myself or scare Don. I told the truth, just not all of it. Like the fact that I knew why the guy was after me.
I kept struggling to sit up so the EMT raised the gurney to a more upright position. Through the door of the ambulance I could see Dotty talking to the police. I tried not to narrow my eyes. Who knows what she was telling them.
The officer stepped off of the ambulance.
“We will be in touch, feel better.”
Yah, I bet we would be in touch. As soon as he found out that the bounty hunter was trying to collar me for stabbing someone. I would be packed up and hauled back to Wyoming.
They scanned my brain at the hospital while I was butt naked with a blanket over me. I didn’t even get one of those little gowns.
By the time I was finished, an anxious husband was waiting to take me home as soon as he got the all clear. Personally I like to think that I just fainted, but the officer said I took a nasty spill and landed on the side of my head.
A hour later with an ice pack and a headache I was discharged into the care of my husband.
There was a cleaning van in the driveway as we pulled up to the house. I looked at Don wondering why he was calm enough to think about cleaning the house.
“The SFPD offered because they dusted the house for prints. I told them to send them and I would pay for it.”
Oh shit, shit.
I took my knife with me, I don’t remember touching anything in the cell and the guy never processed me. They had me for reckless driving which I already did community service for five years ago… the list continued in my head but their was no telling what I couldn’t’ account for.
The cleaning crew had left shortly after Don had put the key in the front door. They had spread out through the place in an obviously unnatural manner. Things were much cleaner than usual, you could smell it.
“Why did they fingerprint?” I tried to sound nonchalant.
“Apparently your mothers boyfriend is an ex con and has habit of escaping prosecution by claiming there was a one armed man.”
“I don’t understand, the police officer saw him trip me.”
“Yeah but he didn’t see him break into the house, they are just covering their bases.”
“I have to tell you something.”
Don stopped wiping chopping the onion he was working on sans tears which was amazing, and looked at me.
“You’re leaving me?”
“Fuck no, I have it too good.” I tried to make my response as humorous as possible.
When he didn’t look relived I closed the distance between us and took his face in my hands.
“I love you, but you are married to a wanted woman.”
He covered my hands with his own.
“What did you do?”
I stated quite simply, and for those of you who don’t remember.
“I was arrested for a drunk and disorderly, at the station I hurled on the cop who was supposed to be processing me. He threw me in a holding cell without booking me, he didn’t even have my ID. Some heifer they had pulled out the back woods from God knows where tried to shove my face into her crotch so stabbed her…”
Don was not blinking
“…in the neck.”
“Jesus” it was a good sign that he was still holding me.
“She lived Don, in the melee I stepped out of the police station and didn’t look back.”
“Jesus.”
I don’t think he was there honey.
Don went back to chopping his onion. I knew he had to process it all, James could get permanent custody easily. I could be patient, until he was ready.
I jumped when the doorbell rang a short time later.
Don looked at me and saw my dismay, he went to the door as I stood in the kitchen clutching a glass of wine.
I could hear a muffled voice ask, “Is Savannah home?”
“Shit, it was Dotty.” I had almost forgotten about her.
Before I had a chance to prepare myself she was standing before me. I started to tell her to get the hell out, before I could she held her hand up.
“Just let me say my peace, then I will leave.”
I closed my mouth then opened it again to take a sip of wine.
“I know about the baby, I just wanted to see him…it’s the only reason I came. I told the police that Ben was boyfriend and when I decided to break up with him, he went crazy.”
“Huff” I didn’t believe her or that the police would believe her.
“Look, I have caused you enough trouble.” she reached into her purse.
Here is my phone number if you decide that you need me. She handed me a piece of paper and started to leave.
“Dotty” I called out to her.
When she turned I embraced her.
“Take care.” I meant it. I also thought this would be last time I saw her until her funeral. She teared up but obediently left. Don walked her out.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Chocolate and Vodka
There is nothing that chocolate and vodka couldn’t cure. I know this because I was having a Martini and nibbling on dark chocolate pieces spiced with some exotic blend while my mother rattled on about her latest marriage.
She was thinner than I remember and looked like she would break if you didn’t use extreme caution. Dylan was with James a day early, to make this visit from mommy dearest possible. Some part of me wanted to believe my secret was safe but come on, she had to know about my kid.
James had informed me that he and Ann Marie were taking a break? WTF does that mean exactly? She had gone back home to spend some time with her family and to decide if being married to James was what she really wanted or so she said. It was clear that James thought she was bluffing, she even accused him of being in love with me. Goddamn if I didn’t see hope flicker across the bastards face when he ran that one by me. I ignored him, kissed Dylan goodbye and told them both I would see them on Sunday.
By the time Dotty had shown up I had already had one Martini finished off and I was looking forward to the second. She had gotten dressed up for the occasion, wearing what I am sure was one of her best church suits at one time. When I opened the door she immediately asked to use “the little girls room”. Jesus—that was the kind of cutesy term she would use for public consumption when I was kid.
I walked around the house sipping my Martini wondering what she was going say and when she walked out of the door this time and how long it would be before I saw her again.
Don had a catered lunch delivered. Elegant little sandwiches, deserts and tea service—foo foo shit. When she finally sauntered into the dining room she clasped her hand together in delight at the spread. I had started eating without her.
“So this is how you live these days?” She started to pull a cigarette out of her purse then thought better of it she closed her purse then cleared her throat.
“You can smoke outside if you need to.”
I took alternating bites from the olive in my drink and the cold salmon and dill sandwich which was nothing but fancy tuna salad.
“No, that’s ok baby girl”
“Mama, please don’t”
“What, you are my baby.”
I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my drink.
“What do you want Dotty?”
“Nothing baby, I haven’t seen in just about forever.” she drawled.
“Ok then how did you find me?”
She smiled, I sensed something devious behind it but she was holding it for now.
“Well my new friend that I have been seeing, he is a real P.I.”
“You used a private dick ( I emphasized dick) to find me?”
“Sure did sugar, he just put your name into his computer and there you were. On file for the world to see applying for a marriage license.”
She went for the cigarettes again and shoved them back.
“Didn’t take too much information after that.”
She was nervous, I sat up trying to read her but I couldn’t. The doorbell rang, I didn’t move her eyes flitted toward the door.
“Who the fuck is that mama?”
“It’s just Ben, I wanted you two to meet.”
I got up and walked to the door, peering out the glass. Jesus, there was no way in hell I was going to open the door.
“Honey, just let him in.” she trotted over to the door grabbing the handle I pushed her back.
“No”
“Don’t be silly” she tried again but I pushed her back.
I grabbed the waistline of her skirt pulling her back.
“Get away from the door.”
She yelled out.
“Ben, this girl has gone crazy and won’t open the door.” she laughed nervously.
It was all the invite been needed, when he used his considerable bulk to ram into the door.
Dotty screamed.
The windows would be easy work. He was no fucking PI.
I grabbed Dotty dragging her behind me I went into the office shutting the door I pushed a bookcase in front of it. I heard the windows break.
“What’s going on? Why wouldn’t you open the door?”
I picked up the phone dialing 911, I rather deal with SFPD then get dragged back to Wyoming with that fucker.
“There is a man trying to break into my house.”
I gave the address with a shaky voice that wasn’t an act. What was going to happen to Dylan?
Yes I was in imminent danger, no I didn’t have a weapon. The dispatcher just wanted to keep me on the phone.
I finally sat the phone down. He was in the house, I could hear his heavy footfalls. Dotty was crying.
“What’s going on? What’s going on?”
I turned on Dotty, my lip curled.
“You brought a fucking bounty hunter to my home! My home!”
“What?” Dotty fisted her hands together looking pitiful.
“You brought that piece of shit here to collar me.” I screamed at her. I didn’t care if he knew where I was.
I was blind, I wanted my child I didn’t want to go to jail. I opened the closet and even with my tunnel vision found a aluminum baseball bat on the top shelf. When I wrapped my fingers around the rubber grip, I felt something primal surge through my body.
I screamed and shoved the bookcase out of the way. I was going to kill him.
“What are you doing?”
Dotty was behind me trying to hold me back, I threw the door wide. The chump was standing there and had the nerve to look smug. I cracked him in the groin with the end of the bat, fucker had a cup on. Where was my knife when I needed it? I dodged him when he tried to grab my shoulders with his meat hooks.
Thwack. I cracked the bat across his knee and felt a surge of energy when I heard the satisfying pop.
“You aren’t taking me! You are taking my kid!”
I cracked his thigh, thwack. He tumbled like and dead weight, recovered then started to draw down on me.
Fuck You
Dotty was screaming and sucking on snot pleading.
I knocked the gun out of his hand sending it skittering across the floor. I raised the bat over my right shoulder, Delores Claiborne here I come.
“Stop”
The voice was not coming from the piece of shit on the ground, with the bat still raised I turned on the first landing there was a cop. A muscular Asian man with his hand on his gun but not drawn.
“Ma’am come down her with me.”
Red spots flared in my vision, I felt sick.
“You're not taking my baby”
I adjusted my grip again.
“Ma’am come down here now.”
When I stepped over the prick, he grabbed my ankle, I fell head first down the stairs. That’s the last thing I remember.
Monday, July 31, 2006
When a stranger calls.
The unexpected can be pleasant, a phone call from a friend, flowers from the person you would least expect them from, finding a twenty-dollar bill when you thought you were broke. This wasn’t pleasant, it was downright painful and I wanted it to be over.
Dylan was sleeping peacefully in his bassinet in the family room and I was settling down to watch GH (Yes it's soap and don't fucking ask), when the doorbell rang. At first, I ignored it. Despite the no solicitations sign we were bombarded by salesmen from Kirby Vacuum’s to Brinks home security systems. When it rang again I sat up straightening myself out. I looked like a mother, wearing a track suit and had my hair in one of those damn buns on the top of my head.
Two feet from the door, I had to check my anger when the doorbell rang again. I threw the it open. A woman was standing on the front steps with her head down, her hair once dyed red had faded to sickly orange color. I waved my hand in front of my face trying to disperse the swirl of cigarette smoke.
“May I help you?”
When the woman looked up, Jesus. She looked awful, deep lines creased her once beautiful face and the warm brown pools that were her eyes were milky and cold.
“Aren’t you going to hug me?”
I dutiful reached out my arms and hugged her, keeping my body as far away from as possible.
“Hi mama.”
I settled her into the living room where no one ever sat. I didn’t know if she knew anything about Dylan—if by some miracle she didn’t know I didn’t want her to find out. I brought her a glass of water, told her stay put and went to the office that was located midway up the stairs.
“Do you want me to come home?”
“No, I am going to have her leave soon.”
“Savannah she is your mother, what are you going to tell her?”
“The truth, that I am busy and I will talk to her tomorrow.”
“What are you busy doing?” I damn near giggled, I couldn’t help it. The sarcasm coming from his voice said he knew worlds about me and my frequent naps since having Dylan.
“Look Savannah, are you sure you don’t want me to come home?”
“Don, I want you to come home.” Silence. I don’t think he could have been more shocked if I had told him to mind his own damn business. I needed him, right now more than anyone or anything I needed in my life.
Dotty was smoking when I came back into the living room. The old impetuous me started making fast strokes back to the forefront of my brain. I pushed her back and walked over to Dotty removing the cigarette from her lips I put it out in the water I have given her earlier.
“This isn’t my house, please don’t smoke.”
“Huh! That’s not what I heard. I heard you got yourself a rich beau.” I smiled as sweetly as possible.
“You heard wrong.”
Then what’s all this, she stood up spinning around. When she started to the family room I started to panic—so I stopped her.
“Mother, what do you want?” I turned my back to her and walked into the dining room then the kitchen. You couldn’t see Dylan from the kitchen, I knew because I kept meaning to move his bassinet, right now I was thankful for being lazy.
Dotty followed like I wanted.
“I just wanted to see you baby.” She reached her hand up and touched my cheek I jumped away from her.
I heard the front door open and nearly burst into tears when I heard Don call out for me.
“Excuse me.” I walked to the front door. Don was calmly standing in the entryway I kissed him and folded into his arms. Dotty was standing behind me, I could feel her eyeing my husband.
“Sugar, does your husband know you are already stepping out on him?”
I turned to look at her.
“I am her husband.” Don walked over to Dotty and shook her hand and introduced himself. I prayed the Dylan was quiet for just few minutes more.
Ten minutes later saw Dotty leaving in a cab with a promise for a longer visit, Don had made my excuses then found me clutching Dylan to my chest, making the poor little guy squirm I was holding on so tight.
“That woman is not my mother.” Don gentle took Dylan and placed him back in his bassinet rubbing his tummy.
Don sat back down next tom me. “Then who is she?”
“I don’t know, but the woman who was my mother abandoned me after my father died—that was just her shell reanimated.”
Don reached out and pulled my chin toward him so I was looking him in the eyes. “That’s pretty deep Savannah.”
When I frowned at him, he smiled. I picked up the nearest pillow and hit him with it. He wrestled me down until I was pinned under him. He stared at me, brushing my hair away from my forehead.
“I’m not going to break.” I said it because I knew he was waiting.
“I know.” He kissed me.
Dylan was sleeping peacefully in his bassinet in the family room and I was settling down to watch GH (Yes it's soap and don't fucking ask), when the doorbell rang. At first, I ignored it. Despite the no solicitations sign we were bombarded by salesmen from Kirby Vacuum’s to Brinks home security systems. When it rang again I sat up straightening myself out. I looked like a mother, wearing a track suit and had my hair in one of those damn buns on the top of my head.
Two feet from the door, I had to check my anger when the doorbell rang again. I threw the it open. A woman was standing on the front steps with her head down, her hair once dyed red had faded to sickly orange color. I waved my hand in front of my face trying to disperse the swirl of cigarette smoke.
“May I help you?”
When the woman looked up, Jesus. She looked awful, deep lines creased her once beautiful face and the warm brown pools that were her eyes were milky and cold.
“Aren’t you going to hug me?”
I dutiful reached out my arms and hugged her, keeping my body as far away from as possible.
“Hi mama.”
I settled her into the living room where no one ever sat. I didn’t know if she knew anything about Dylan—if by some miracle she didn’t know I didn’t want her to find out. I brought her a glass of water, told her stay put and went to the office that was located midway up the stairs.
“Do you want me to come home?”
“No, I am going to have her leave soon.”
“Savannah she is your mother, what are you going to tell her?”
“The truth, that I am busy and I will talk to her tomorrow.”
“What are you busy doing?” I damn near giggled, I couldn’t help it. The sarcasm coming from his voice said he knew worlds about me and my frequent naps since having Dylan.
“Look Savannah, are you sure you don’t want me to come home?”
“Don, I want you to come home.” Silence. I don’t think he could have been more shocked if I had told him to mind his own damn business. I needed him, right now more than anyone or anything I needed in my life.
Dotty was smoking when I came back into the living room. The old impetuous me started making fast strokes back to the forefront of my brain. I pushed her back and walked over to Dotty removing the cigarette from her lips I put it out in the water I have given her earlier.
“This isn’t my house, please don’t smoke.”
“Huh! That’s not what I heard. I heard you got yourself a rich beau.” I smiled as sweetly as possible.
“You heard wrong.”
Then what’s all this, she stood up spinning around. When she started to the family room I started to panic—so I stopped her.
“Mother, what do you want?” I turned my back to her and walked into the dining room then the kitchen. You couldn’t see Dylan from the kitchen, I knew because I kept meaning to move his bassinet, right now I was thankful for being lazy.
Dotty followed like I wanted.
“I just wanted to see you baby.” She reached her hand up and touched my cheek I jumped away from her.
I heard the front door open and nearly burst into tears when I heard Don call out for me.
“Excuse me.” I walked to the front door. Don was calmly standing in the entryway I kissed him and folded into his arms. Dotty was standing behind me, I could feel her eyeing my husband.
“Sugar, does your husband know you are already stepping out on him?”
I turned to look at her.
“I am her husband.” Don walked over to Dotty and shook her hand and introduced himself. I prayed the Dylan was quiet for just few minutes more.
Ten minutes later saw Dotty leaving in a cab with a promise for a longer visit, Don had made my excuses then found me clutching Dylan to my chest, making the poor little guy squirm I was holding on so tight.
“That woman is not my mother.” Don gentle took Dylan and placed him back in his bassinet rubbing his tummy.
Don sat back down next tom me. “Then who is she?”
“I don’t know, but the woman who was my mother abandoned me after my father died—that was just her shell reanimated.”
Don reached out and pulled my chin toward him so I was looking him in the eyes. “That’s pretty deep Savannah.”
When I frowned at him, he smiled. I picked up the nearest pillow and hit him with it. He wrestled me down until I was pinned under him. He stared at me, brushing my hair away from my forehead.
“I’m not going to break.” I said it because I knew he was waiting.
“I know.” He kissed me.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Dear Diary, --I have just killed my husband.
Here is to the dearly departed. Don was laying partially hanging off of the sofa trying to catch is breath and holding his man bits. I did my best to stifle a laugh as I padded over to the wet bar for a bottle of water. When I returned to the couch Don’s eyes were closed as if was still lost in what occurred 3 minutes ago. I placed the frosty plastic bottle of water against his stomach just to watch his muscles contract, he still didn’t open his eyes but gestured for me to get closer to him. When I did, he pulled me in for a kiss and patted the couch next to him, I laid down next to him stretching myself along side his unusually warm body…
Four hours earlier our home was unrecognizable it was crammed with so many bodies celebrating Jane’s and Pricilla’s pending bundle of joy… Don kept asking me if I invited certain people—annoyed I finally yelled “I know five-fucking people in San Francisco—who the hell did you think I invited.” I immediately felt bad, people were setting those red plastic cups on his antiques. Hell I don’t even know where the red plastic cups came from. They weren’t here when the party started.
The caterer had set out real glassware and enough food for 50 people to have 2.5 servings, whatever the hell that meant. The house groaned with the weight of had to be close to 100 people—obviously someone had blabbed several of my regulars at the Pussy had already said hello or waved from a distance. I didn’t notice, I was too busy trying to make sure no one stole anything—Jesus what the hell I have I turned into. I took a swig of the Diet Coke I had switched to when I realized how quickly things could get out of hand—someone please call the damn cops. Don had taken the other route and was drinking more, I watched him to another shot from across the room, the short burst of elation left his face soon after the alcohol was down his throat. I thought he was going to be sick until I saw him start to scan the room, he was looking for me. I was just behind a door way peering around, not because I was trying to be sneaky but because I could see two rooms at once this way.
He didn’t panic when he didn’t see me but he looked ill. What was I doing to him? I 'm not sure I made him happy, in fact I am fairly certain I scared the shit out of him. He was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and it was starting to show, his weight was dropping. What do I do, make his fears come to fruition and bounce or do I reassure him? I wasn’t sure how to do that so I crossed the room to him and embraced him, I whispered that we needed to end the party—it was midnight and it would take at least an hour to get rid of all these people.
I knew from working in bars that it was a process. I turned the lights up just a little at first, turned the music down and slowly started to walk around cleaning up—Don, Jane and Pricilla followed my lead. By 1:30 we had the place to ourselves again and a big mess to clean up. I spotted a piece of Don’s Wedgwood teetering on the edge of table, I nudged it back onto the table hoping he didn’t spot his $50 dollar plate about to be obliterated. Who knew what else those maniacs got into.
Don was settling on the couch about to turn on the TV he motioned for me to join him and I panicked. I turned heading for the cellar to take count of the bottles.
“It’s ok, just sit.”
He reached out as if he was going to change the channel on the TV instead he threw the remote on the floor and jumped me. It took me nearly five minutes to stop laughing, he refused to give up though….
Dylan was at the other parents for one more evening and as much as I was enjoying my time with Don, I missed the nugget. I fell asleep next to Don ticking off the hours in my brain until James would bring him home.
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